Poor Lauren Silverman: Imagine being paraded on a beach in Miami days after giving birth
I was feeling sorry for myself this week. My daughter is sick and I have been getting about three hours sleep a night.
I can't put her in the creche so I have to sort out childcare for her so I can go to work and all that other boo hoo stuff. "It's too much pressure for one woman to bear" I moaned. And then I read about Lauren Silverman.
Since she has become mother to Simon Cowell's son Eric 11 days ago, she has been papped shopping in New York, lounging on the beach and out and about in Miami.
How does she do it? Why does she do it? I suppose it is easier when you have 'people', but even so, it's not even been two weeks! That poor woman. Her boobs must have been killing her for the first couple of days - from the pics I deduce that she is not breastfeeding and it takes a couple of weeks for the milk to dry up. And unless she is made differently to the rest of us, she is most likely still bleeding and wearing those horrible maternity pads.
And that's just the physical side if things.
Can you imagine what it must be like to have to go to the beach in Miami - a showground to the best kept bodies on the planet, less then two weeks after having a baby? I can't think of anything more demoralising or stressful. My body image was so low after having a baby I wore nothing but big huge jumpers and my maternity jeans for at least 12 weeks. I was so happy that it was winter so I could cover up with impunity.
And even if you look as amazing as Lauren does post-partum, you can't possibly feel it. Your belly is still protruding, your boobs feel and look alien and you don't feel right in anything. And obviously Lauren is a better, far more secure woman than me, because the last thing I would want to do at the end of the day on the beach with my new born surrounded by the world's papparazzi, is go for dinner with my partner's stunning ex-girlfriend.
This morning we were treated to another set of photos of the new parents, heading to a restaurant in Miami with a bevvy of pals, including Cowell's most recent ex Mezhgan Hussainy. Lauren is snapped wearing high heels and a D&G designer dress worth €1500.
On a practical level, the logistics of a baby at the beach are a nightmare. We went to the sun when my daughter was five months old and we managed to get an hour a day max on the beach. It was impossible to change her nappy without getting sand all over her and no matter how much shade there was, and with a buggy cover that afforded complete protection, she was too hot to sleep. Babies and beaches don't mix. Sterile bottles and sand definitely don't mix. Babies, particularly newborns, like dark, cool calm environments. The sun to them is toxic. It just isn't worth the hassle.
Unless, of course, you have the money to hire a nice, quiet private beach, where you could go topless too and lie with your sore boobs and your big new baby belly to the sun. Where you had 'people' to make sure the bottles were sterilised and that the baby was kept out of the sun so you could relax after the ordeal of childbirth and catch up on your sleep.
And, then after a day of relaxation and time with your new baby and your partner, you could have a nice, private family dinner.
Now, why didn't Cowell think of that?
Follow Yvonne Hogan at: @YvonneHogan