Thursday 14 November 2019

Diary of a Schoolteacher: You read it here first: the secret emails that reveal our overlords' cunning plan. . .

With both teachers and guards seeing their staff levels cut to the bone, can it be long before the powers-that-be decide to merge the two professions? Below are recent emails between the Ministers for Justice and Education that have been intercepted by a government mole planted by the Public Service Resistance.

Ru.Q: They might have been called The Police but they're our band. Sting was a teacher before he joined the group and if you don't believe me, just listen to the lyrics of 'Don't Stand So Close to Me.' I also claim Roxy Music as Bryan Ferry was a teacher too. In your face, Justice Boy!

Alsh28: Fine then, Beardie. Then I claim the New Wave of British Heavy Metal band Saxon thanks to their seminal 1980 album Strong Arm of the Law. Saxon posing in police uniforms, all long hair and tattoos and attitude. Looked great and if we weren't getting rid of Guards that pic would make a great recruitment poster. Then there's Womack and Womack's 'Teardrops'.

Ru.Q: Teardrops? Isn't that a disco song about a break-up?

Alsh28: No. It's about the police firing teargas at a student riot. BTW I saw you on Reeling in the Years the other week bringing UCD Earlsfort Terrace to a standstill, stroking your beard and stoking rebellion.

Ru.Q: Did you? I was such a babe magnet in those days. Were you watching Tallafornia the other night?

Alsh28: No. But come on, what you think of my proposal yesterday?

Ru.Q: Combine the Gardaí with the teachers? Brilliant.

Alsh28: We'd save so much money it might finally get the Troika off our backs.

Ru.Q: How do we sell it to the public?

Alsh28: We tell them we've no choice, as per, money's too tight to mention.

Ru.Q: And I can dig up the research that shows that it's while they're at school-going edge that criminals suffer so much depredation and boring useless education that it's all the teachers' fault.

Alsh28: Well, I think it's the parents' fault and failure to grasp their duty and responsibility as an individual.

Ru.Q: Let's drop the political rubbish and save the money. During the day the teachers will be answerable for all crime incidents. We use the 32 extra Croke Park hours to get them to stake out criminals in between classes and they can correct homework at the same time. Teachers catch bank robbers too and then send them home with a note.

Alsh28: Chase bank robbers in a Micra or a Renault Espace? Have you seen what teachers drive? Get real, Quinner.

Ru.Q: Stick with me here, Al. The Gardaí, now numbering just a couple of hundred, their jobs simplified by DNA tracing and cattle prodders, throw in a few helicopters to intimidate the entire community, get to do the night shift, usually from 2am when the night clubs close and all the trouble occurs. It's just like lunch break in any school.

Alsh28: Do you think Noonan will go for it? : ) Especially when we cut numbers and salaries?

Ru.Q: You joking? He'll love it.

Alsh28: You mean the Troika will! LOL.

-- E Grade

Irish Independent

Editors Choice

Also in Life