Relationship counsellor and psychosexual therapist Mary O'Conor offers relationship advice in her weekly column.
Q: Where do I begin? Well, to start with when I was in secondary school I asked a woman to my graduation and she rejected me. I still have the ticket that I was going to give to her had she gone with me. And to this day seeing it un-cut makes me sad and unfulfilled.
After that, I started college in IT where I met another woman. I was crazy about her, but she never gave me a chance. After a couple of weeks she just ignored me and that continued for the rest of my college years.
I got a good job in Dublin and to this day have never dated a woman. I recently saw the woman that I fancied in college at the airport with her boyfriend, and it killed me inside to see her with another man and not me.
I wonder why I am only meeting people who cause me so much sadness and hurt in my life instead of meeting a decent woman who would like to get to know me, and who I would like.
My question is where can I meet decent women who actively want to pursue a meaningful relationship?
I have tried everywhere - online dating, clubs and pubs. I would be very grateful if you could offer your expert advice to me.
MARY: It was unfortunate that you experienced rejection so early in your life, and it obviously has had a very major effect on you. However, I get the feeling that you are a little obsessive about all of this, instead of taking life as it comes.
There are girls who are interested in having a relationship in all the places you seek them - both in the virtual and real worlds, but you have to let them see that you are worth getting to know. If you are only concerned with getting a partner then girls will pick up on this and it will prevent them from wanting to know you further. So try to be more relaxed and, above all, ensure that you chat to them about their lives and their hopes and dreams rather than focussing on yourself. It is much more attractive to feel that somebody is interested in what you think rather than them telling you what they think, so try to bear this in mind when you are trying to get to know somebody.
It would also help if you were to view each girl that you meet as a potential date rather than a potential life partner, because there will be far less of a sense of desperation which is what I think you portray now. So a change of attitude is what you need above all else and then you will hopefully be successful in meeting a soul mate.
QUESTION: I share a house with three other guys. It's a fine house, we all have our own bedroom, there are three bathrooms so we are not in each other's faces all the time, and there are three reception rooms so there's enough space to have a private guest if we need it. We are all in good jobs and single and in our late 20s. Everything should be rosy, yes?
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