Saturday 20 January 2018

Dear Mary: 'I'm lonely and don't think I will ever find love'

Hands formed in shape of heart
Hands formed in shape of heart
Approaches on social media can easily be misunderstood
Making approaches to the opposite sex on social media can easily be misunderstood

Mary O'Conor

Relationship counsellor and psychosexual therapist Mary O'Conor offers relationship advice in her weekly column.

Problem: I have lost faith in finding love.

Recently I got to know a girl that I really like. We are in the same sports club. She is friendly but sticks to herself at times.

She's on Facebook and has a small number of friends on it but I haven't been added. She is bright, beautiful and interesting, and quite different to most girls I know.  I have being talking to her on Facebook sending her messages, talking about myself,  sending her best wishes for getting through to each level in the tests we do and telling  her how well she is doing.

Now she has replied asking why have I being contacting her so much on Facebook. Previously, she seemed to like me contacting her and talking to her about stuff. Now I think she got a bit freaked by all the contact and she thinks she has been sending the wrong impression that she is interested in me.

I asked her out via Facebook as I couldn't get the timing right in saying it face to face as we have too little time to talk in training. I think I have become a little obsessive (don't get me wrong, I am not a stalker by any means) about her. She rejected my invite and told me she is seeing someone, but I think she was just putting me off.

I assured her that I didn't mean to frighten her and apologised to her and told her to forget about it all and hoped it didn't affect our friendship. I don't think she will talk to me again. I really like her and don't know how to forget about her. A similar thing happened to me before - I have so much bad luck with girls.

I am in my 30s still living at home. My sisters are settled down and I don't think I will ever find somebody. I am very lonely and sad and I can't stand it when I see happy couples out or when I am attending special events. I have a wedding coming up and I will probably be the only single guy there. The future looks bleak and I just don't know what to do anymore.

Making approaches to the opposite sex on social media can easily be misunderstood

MARY SAYS: I am sorry that you are finding it so hard to find somebody with whom to share your life. However, I don't think that social media is the place where you should pursue a girl - as you have already found out, things can go very wrong and people can be misunderstood. This girl hadn't added you as a friend, so that seems to indicate that she wasn't interested in taking things any further with you.

You are probably correct in your assumption that she was a bit freaked out by all the attention you were paying her on Facebook. So as regards this particular girl, I think you should withdraw gracefully, smile and say hello when you see her in the club and leave it at that. Then the next time you meet somebody that you fancy, try asking them for a coffee or a drink and get to know them face to face rather than online. I realise that online dating works for some people, but having had a bad experience, I don't think you should go down that route again.

I am concerned that you appear to be in some way jealous of the couples that you see around you. Try instead to be happy for them that they have found each other; this in turn should make you happier within yourself.

You should ask yourself what you have to offer a girl in the way of friendship and love. What are your good points? If you need to work on certain aspects of your personality in order to feel better about yourself, then do that. A few sessions with a counsellor may help with this. Then if you are feeling good about yourself somebody will come into your life when you are least expecting it. This will be because you will be giving out a positive energy and a sense that you are somebody worth knowing. Who knows? It may even be at the upcoming wedding.

I do hope that you are successful in meeting somebody in the near future.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting or email her at or write c/o 27-32 Talbot St, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately

Sunday Independent

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