Bad Santa’s gift guide
Want to get revenge on those who moan endlessly about Christmas being too commercial, and then insist on giving pointless presents?Darragh McManus has a sack full of tack to sort them out
The most common complaint about Christmas is how commercial and tacky it’s all gone, presumably from people who were around in the 17th century before the arrival of the Industrial Revolution and mass production. The second most common complaint is that people aren’t ever satisfied with the presents they got.
So, we’ve decided to take a positive — one might almost say proactive — approach and make the most of the situation by combining these two whinges into one gift-tastic solution: giving the tackiest, crappiest present you can possibly think of. And here’s the beauty of it: you don’t even have to think, because we’ve done it for you. Simply follow our suggestions and the most wonderful Christmas is assured.
FOR YOUR HUSBAND: UH OH… EMERGENCY UNDERPANTS
You know how it is. Himself has once again over-indulged in turkey, whiskey and those dinky chocolates with liqueur inside, and suffered a consequential loss of ‘control’ while snoozing in front of the Bond movie. But unlike last year, when Christmas Day was spent doing a whites wash at the stainremoving 90° setting, this year he can just whip off his ruined knicks and pop on a pair of emergency underpants. Fits most bottom sizes, even Irish men prone to turkey, whiskey and liqueur binges.
As they say themselves, “Better safe than soggy!” www.mcphee.com
FOR YOUR WIFE: THE OFFICIAL BALL-BREAKER VEST
A charming and tongue-in-cheek little homage to the woman of the house, her indoors, the boss, she who must be obeyed — none of which you will be calling her unless absolutely sure she can’t hear you. This fetching spaghetti-strap top is made from pure cotton, comes in a cool Gothic font and has, manufacturers assure us, a double-needle stitched hem, whatever that is.
What woman wouldn’t love a light-hearted jape like this vest! And if she doesn’t, it can be put to good use strangling you, so everyone’s a winner. www.zazzle.co.uk
FOR BABY: BILLY BOB TWO FRONT TEETH BABY PACIFIER
There’ll be gnasher-related fun and games all through the festive season as you make your precious darling look like the product of eight generations of redneck inbreeding! (Note: it’s probably advisable not to bring this out if you’re expecting any wonky-toothed redneck relatives over for Christmas.) The “contoured shield with ventilation holes” has a genuine silicone orthodontic nipple, and, weirdly enough, has actually been approved by dentists and complies with the relevant EU directives.
Baby will love it and so will you — and that’s the “tooth”! Ho, ho. www.billybobteeth-direct.co.uk
FOR MAM: HILLARY CLINTON BOWL BUDDY
Irish ladies of a certain age all love Hillary — they feel she is an empowering symbol of the active senior, and they like the fact that she puts manners on Bill on a regular basis. They also, as is our understanding, love cleaning the bathroom. Why not make this task even more enjoyable by giving them a toilet brush in the shape of their heroine? Although the bristles do make her look like she swapped hair with Bill and then suffered an enormous electrical shock, but still. www.amazon.com
FOR DAD: MEAT CARDS
They’re business cards, and they’re made out of meat. That’s all there is, and that’s all you need. The makers take beef jerky, which is some kind of processed-meat thing they eat in the States, and laser-etch your details on to the strips. Bingo! A business card that’s guaranteed to get you big attention, if not actually arrested.
And best of all, you can eat them, although the thought of that isn’t so appetising after they’ve been handled by the sweaty paws of that guy who comes to fix the photocopier, or the creep of a head accountant who always holds your hand a split-second too long. www.meatcards.com
FOR BROTHER: STEVEN SEAGAL POSTER
All men love action movies. And most men love bad action movies. But very few men will admit to a fondness for the human wardrobe that is Steven Seagal and his films, especially the likes of the ecological lecture with added violence that was ‘On Deadly Ground’. That’s why a fabulous poster of said movie is the perfect tacky gift for the brother of the family. Watch him squirm uncomfortably as you insist he places it above the fireplace, where his girlfriend, his boss, his boss’s girlfriend and the local PP can all admire it should they have cause to visit.
Though they probably won’t be visiting again any time soon. www.allposters.com
FOR SISTER: TICKETS TO JOURNEY AND FOREIGNER
As if going to see woeful 1980s rockers Journey in concert isn’t bad enough, they’re being joined by even-more-woeful 1980s rockers Foreigner for next June’s concert at the O2. ‘I Want to Know What Love Is’? We want to know where the exits are, Mr Lou Gramm. Which makes tickets to this gig the ultimate cruddy Christmas pressie for your sister. Lame power ballads, lighters in the air, a general air of depressing realisation that their heyday was about 25 years ago — it’s the sort of gift that siblings were made for. www.ticketmaster.ie
FOR GRANDDAD/GRANNY: TATTOOS FOR THE ELDERLY
Gramps and granny probably feel their best days are gone. And while they are almost certainly correct in everything they say, you can cheer up the old beggars with these fun tats. They rub on — another job for nursie — and rub off with baby oil. They’re safe and non-toxic, as befits how we should care for our senior citizens. And best of all they have funny slogans such as “Arthritis sucks”, “Really old school” and “Who’s your grand-daddy?” It’ll give them a new lease of life — for a year or two. www.blueq.com
FOR YOUR WORKMATE: MAYBE YOU TOUCHED YOUR GENITALS HAND SANITIZER
Because maybe they did, right? During that bathroom break, and now they’re coming over to shake hands and you don’t want to seem impolite but, at the same time, you don’t want to think of the disgusting and unhygienic alternative. Enter the Maybe You Touched Your Genitals hand sanitizer, which does exactly what it says on the tin: “The Number One After-Genital-Contact Hand Sanitizer. Now kills 99.99pc of germs on contact! “The best out there in case you have to shake hands with someone who may or may not have forgotten to wash up in the restroom! Gross!” Don Draper, eat your heart out. www.blueq.com