Can sex get better with age? The truth about the midlife orgasm

Emma Thompson and Daryl McCormack in Good Luck to You, Leo Grande

Sharon Walker

July 07 2022 02:30 AM

Female pleasure is suddenly in the spotlight, thanks to Emma’s Thompson’s new film, Good Luck To You, Leo Grande. And not just any old female pleasure, but midlife pleasure and orgasms.

In the film, 63-year-old Thompson plays a widow Nancy, who hires an escort in an effort to recapture her lost youth and experience some of the sex she has missed. Nancy’s sexual awakening is a delight to watch, as she presents her young beau with a list of “goals”. But what about for the rest of us? Can sex really get better with age, or is it all downhill after the menopause?

“There are three things that could make sex a lot better in midlife,” says Helen Fisher, senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of Anatomy of Love (Norton and Co). “You’ve got more daring and sophistication, so you can tell people what to do and you know your body better and what makes you orgasm.

“But then there’s also the physiological side. Oestrogen drops dramatically, testosterone declines, but not as much. The body is expressing more testosterone, so it’s entirely possible to maintain sex drive. Testosterone is why older women become much more assertive and why they put weight on around the middle the way men do but also means they can remain extremely sexual.”

Orgasms can become more elusive after the menopause, with many post-menopausal women finding it harder to climax and less satisfying when they do. That said, many women will still need hormone replacement therapy to supplement falling oestrogen levels.

“Oestrogen is the gas that makes the car go,” explains US gynaecologist, menopause expert and psychosexual therapist, Dr Becky Lynn. “So if you’re trying to reach orgasm and you have your foot on the accelerator, but there’s no gas in the car, it’s going to be very hard to get there. Lots of things can prevent orgasm, it’s not always lack of oestrogen, but post-menopause that’s the most common thing and the easiest to treat.”

So, can HRT patches or gels you rub on your skin help? “Yes, they can help,” says Lynn. “When I’m treating vaginal dryness or orgasm problems due to menopause, I will treat locally.”

Some women benefit from introducing a vibrator. “Sometimes post-menopause you need more stimulation,” says Lynn. “But then some women become more sensitive, so it’s complicated.” For those still having issues, Lynn recommends checking out the website OMG Yes for techniques.

Or it could be the pelvic floor needs a good workout. “You have to keep the muscles working and keep the muscles lubricated,” says psychosexual therapist at The Thought House Partnership, Helen Mayor. “I was working with one woman who was fuming about the menopause and was really mourning her sex life. She was taking every drug going, HRT, testosterone, she was fantastically driven and saw an array of therapists. In the end she went to see a pelvic floor physio and it was the pelvic floor exercises and that really helped her with feeling sexual and with the ease of the orgasm.”

Of course not every post-menopausal woman will experience sexual setbacks and many relish the new freedoms mid-life brings. They no longer have to worry about contraception, or the teenage kids hearing them, and they can make use of every room in the house. But sex is often first thing to go in the busyness of mid-life, as research shows. Figures from the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (NATSAL), 2012, showed that of 15,000 women aged 45-59, over a third had been sexually inactive.

When the researchers interviewed the women to find out why they’d stopped having sex, most were simply too tired.

“They were that generation sandwiched between having children later in life and having parents who were getting older. What was more important than sex for them was a partner who was on board with helping them and supporting them with all the demands,” says Prof Kaye Wellings, Professor of Sexual and Reproductive Health at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, who conducted the research.

Sometimes though it’s not hormones that are putting midlife women off sex but boredom of a long-term relationship. Fortunately, though, there’s no need for drastic action, or calling on the services of a young escort, as long as the sex works and you’re basically happy with it, there’s plenty you can do to reignite the spark.

“What I would do is spice up the romance (rather than the sex),” says Fisher. “Do novel things together, novelty drives up the dopamine system in the brain that triggers the testosterone system, and can really help with sex drive. That’s why when people go on vacation together, they can suddenly be very sexy together, because maybe they’re going out dancing rather than watching TV.

“Even going to new hotel and figuring out how to turn on the shower can be sexy because it’s novel. And then the same old sex feels more exciting because you’re amped up for it.” That’s not to say that you shouldn’t try mixing it up in the bedroom. After 20 or 30 years together most of us have a well-honed script, but it’s never too late to introduce new fantasies, says Mayor. You might think, “Oh my partner wouldn’t like that”, but we could easily be wrong. Most of us think we know our partners inside out, but the chances are we don’t really.

It’s never too late for the earth to move or our partner to surprise us.