Wednesday 17 January 2018

20 things about women that baffle men

As a new poll reveals the male habits that flummox the ladies in their lives, Ed Power turns the tables

It seemed like every woman in Ireland went to Beyonce at Croke Park.
It seemed like every woman in Ireland went to Beyonce at Croke Park.
Women are fascinated with rugby more than any other sport

Newsflash: Women are baffled by men. A new survey revealed wives, girlfriends, mothers, sisters etc are flummoxed by men's obsession with watching sports highlights (when they've already sat through the game in full) and their inability to multi-task (or, indeed, single-task much of the time). Well, fair enough. Some of the idiosyncrasies identified by OnePoll ring true - for instance, our refusal to use instructions when assembling furniture, an inability to remember birthdays and so on. But what if we were to turn the tables? What little habits do women have that baffle men? Here's our top twenty:

1) Why do they watch horrific reality television?

There exists an entire genre of 'body horror' reality TV aimed exclusively at women. Consider Channel 4's 'One Born Every Minute', in which tracksuited oiks are shown giving birth in excruciating detail, watched by tattooed other halves. See also: '24 Hours In A&E', where random chavs show up at their local ER bleeding from the eyes. Why are you watching this? Especially with a Battlestar Galactica marathon is on Syfy Channel.

2) Why do they like Ed Sheeran?

What is it about Sheeran's drippy plastic folk that speaks to you so deeply? While we're on the subject: why Kodaline, ladies? Why?

3) Why do they read formulaic historical potboilers?

It is widely understood that, when not participating in belching contests or just sitting around adjusting themselves, men read football memoirs or non-fiction books about Hitler's secret Third Reich weaponry. Which leaves the entire realm of fiction to women. So why are so many drawn to historical melodramas, featuring a plucky heroine taking on the world on her own terms? Imagine ploughing through an entire 400 pages without any exploding spaceships or secret agents dropping zingy one-liners.

4) Why all the useless handbags ?

The day of the man-bag is over, thank goodness. Instead, the on-the-go chap favours a bulky, yet efficient backpack. Why don't women opt for the same, instead of the wildly impractical handbag - custom made for bag-snatchers or clobbering someone in the face while squishing past them at the cinema?

5) Why do they never get sick?

Why no lady version of man-flu? Who doesn't enjoy wallowing in self-pity AND enjoying an entire day off work? Trust us ladies, there are no downsides.

6) Why do they love rugby so much?

To be clear, many women are knowledgeable fans of GAA, soccer etc. Yet, rugby has in the past 10 years drawn a new demographic of ladies who seem to genuinely love the game, but pull a face if you mention you're nipping up to Dalymount for the Dublin derby. What's so appealing about privately-educated fat dudes running into one another?

7) Why are they always tagging us on Facebook?

We'd rather NOT have the world know we were out for work drinks on Friday, thanks.

8) Why are they so organised?

Organisation is important - sometimes. Not at weekends though. Or when we're in the pub and it's going to penalties. Men embrace chaos as a part of life's rich weave. If women appreciated a good shambles too, we'd all get on so much better.

9) Why do they like The Hunger Games?

Jennifer Lawrence. With a bow and arrow. That's it, yes? We're trying but it isn't doing anything for us. Does she get boiled alive at the end, like Arnold in 'Terminator 2'?

10) Why don't they like video games?

Well yes, you could watch a repeat of 'Location, Location, Location'. Or you could pretend to be a psionically enhanced man-machine on a crusade against tyrannical robots. A no brainer - am I right?

11) Why can't we do the dishes later?

Yes, we're entirely up for washing the crockery. But we've got to download an app first. And watch the game. And pop to the loo. We'll get around to it.. but it might be… a while. Or… sure, you could do it now, if that's what you really want.

12) Why does it take three hours and €100 for a haircut?

Short back and sides and you're out of there in 20 minutes. We can't understand why it takes longer. Consider all the other things you could be doing instead, like sitting on the couch, rearranging your crotch.

13) Why are they obsessed with the position of the toilet seat?

Up, down, in-between - surely life is too short to agonise over little details? And let's not play the blame game over who left the bigger mess. In fact, let's never mention the toilet again. It kills the magic.

14) Why don't they leave us alone?

Sssh… can't you see we're busy assembling our Airfix kits/cataloguing our collection of obscure soccer jerseys/painting our Warhammer 40K miniatures. Can't that urgent conversation about the mortgage wait until next week?

15) Why don't they like 'mansplaining?

Come on ladies - we're taking the time to break this complicated scenario down so that it can be more easily absorbed by your tiny brains. You should be thanking us - not rolling your eyes!

16) Why do they like Olly Murs?

We're not saying you ALL like Olly Murs. But some of you must. There is no other explanation.

17) Why do they not enjoy our cooking?

'Burnt' is a relative term. Anyway, it's not about the finished meal - it's about the slog we put in in the kitchen. You're supposed to mark us by effort, not result.

18) Why aren't they more annoyed about the depiction of women in ads?

Men have been moaning about the dim dad archetype for years. But what about the 'supermum', with her never wavering smile and limitless tolerance of her annoying kids and idiot husband. Surely this is an advertising stereotype that needs to be knocked on the head too?

19) Why don't they laugh at our jokes?

Come on - we're hilarious! Is a guffaw too much to expect?

20) Why did they all go to Beyonce Saturday night?

Upon walking into the men's toilet at Croke Park, one male journalist was surprised to be confronted by 15 women swarming the cubicles and a token guy shuffling nefariously in the corner. Was Beyonce the only thing of interest to women happening in Dublin last Saturday?

Irish Independent

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