Saturday 21 April 2018

10 Reasons why girls swipe left on Tinder

If you're not getting as many matches as you expected, perhaps there's a good reason...

Patricia Murphy

Patricia Murphy

Once upon a time hangover days were spent indulging myself in an array of sugary sweets and weeping at 'Beaches' and while both options are still high on the priority list a new activity has overtaken them. Tinder, of course.

Like many of Ireland's singletons I am a recreational user of the world's most popular dating app and I'm not even reluctant to admit it anymore. 

While my Tinder experience has accumulated in one chemistry-less date and the unravelling of several creeps who seemingly get kicks out of 'textual' relationships, it has brought my housemates and I closer.

The hours of belly-aching laughter the app has provided us is priceless and funnily enough has caused us to develop mutual Tinder pet peeves that coax our fingers instantly towards the giant 'X'.

If you're not getting the matches you desire, there's probably a good reason. Here are a few that always have us promptly swiping left.


You can copy and paste meaningful quotes

“And in the end it is not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years."

Little else could possibly give Irish women an insight into what you're all about more than a meaningful quote from former American president Abraham Lincoln. 

Also, that cracking line from Robert Frost's 'The Road Not Taken' (you know, the one where he bangs on about two roads diverging in yellow wood) does little other than let us know you might have opened a book in preparation for your Leaving Certificate English Paper 1.

A copy and paster extraordinaire is not exactly what we're looking for in a significant other.


Group photos

Who honestly has the time to be flicking through six photographs of various different groups, trying to decipher which one you actually are?

Do you ever do anything alone or are you so popular you continuously move around Dublin with a rowdy entourage? 

Worse still is when we discover that the only looker of the bunch, is not in fact you.


Gym photos

Washboard abs are always worth pressing the tick for but only when photographed in a nonchalant way such as on a beach or while mowing the lawn in your garden without a care in the world. 

Topless, flexing photos at the gym always hit high levels on the creep-o-meter. Who actually took those wide shot photographs of your half naked hod bod? 

Weirdly, the gymeratti always seem to be wearing baseball hats in their Tinder pictures. You're INSIDE the gym. Could someone please explain their functional purpose?


Recklessly good banter

Oh my god. Remember that time you posed buck naked with a plastic bag over your head about to dive into the filthy canal? That's a great photograph to attract other humans on Tinder.

Funny is on top of our priority list. But recklessness isn't so attractive.


Just the one

From what we can tell, our generation take far too many photographs. Why then, can you only summon one blurry snap of yourself despite the bombardment of picture tags that each of us have experienced on Facebook throughout university and grown up life? Do you not understand the general concept of Tinder? It's clear you're either Quasi Modo's twin or else really just not that into it.


Old people fetish

If you're not an ambassador for the elderly or Benjamin Button, why are there so many photographs of you surrounded by old wrinkly people? Also, is that what you'll look like in 40 years?

As lovely as your granny is, I doubt she would be chuffed to hear you're using her to get laid. 


Stunner friends

Have we seen that girl on your arm somewhere before? I'd almost swear she was on Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model a few years ago. Did you two used to go out?

Bow out, girls. We can't compete with that one.



Oh the sights you have seen! Photos of men rolling dice in the Bellagio or hugging drugged up tigers in Asia litter Tinder. Do the Irish ever travel anywhere but Las Vegas and full moon parties in Thailand? It's a bit petty and does not guarantee a left tick, but they are getting so old. 

We'll ignore the fact that your globetrotting is probably born out of our own jealousy. Just step away from the koalas, please.

Disturbing mutual friends

You're 6'4, with straight teeth, sallow skin and to top it all off you're a rich barrister. All is well until we clasp our eyes upon the mutual friend... that absolute weirdo you knew in college. 

It doesn't matter how beautiful you are. Being forced to spend time with that creep again unfortunately has us flicking left. The worst part is you're probably judging us on that unwanted tie as well.


You're just looking for 'a bit of fun, nothing serious'

F**k you.

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