Queer tale of Spacey taking trip in park

ABIT like cottages, dogs are getting a bad name. Not that there is any suggestion that Kevin Spacey was either dogging or cottaging the night he lost his mobile. He was merely out walking the dog, in a public park, at half four in the morning. If the dog needs walking the dog needs walking. You have to let the mutt out now and then. It's a natural human, I mean canine, urge.

There was even a song about it. The Rolling Stones used to sing it. "I'm just walking the dog." Rock and roll songs are sometimes metaphors for sexual intercourse. I don't think this one was. I think it was just a song about bringing the dog out for a walk.

Apparently, Kevin Spacey is not gay. I kind of know this because I once propositioned him at a urinal in Renard's.

We had been chatting out on the floor earlier. I say chatting. We had roughly ended up in the same group and I was asking him to come on a TV show I was involved in at the time and he was assuring me he would.

He had a simply charming young Irish lad with him, who appeared to be escorting him for the evening, who assured him the show was, "A deadly f**kin' buzz."

I was glad Kevin's friend seemed well disposed towards me, because I wouldn't have liked to have been on the wrong side of him. He seemed like he could handle himself in a situation. More to the point, he seemed like he could handle me, or Kevin for that matter.

So anyway, I ended up standing next to Kev at the urinal and because we were now pals I decided to pop the question.

"Would you not just come out?" I asked him, "Sure nobody would mind."

His answer was non-committal. He lapsed into the mode he presumably has for dealing with this kind of thing, saying, "Yeah, sure, right, thank you," and got out of there quickly. So he's clearly not gay. I bet he has loads of secret girlfriends that he doesn't tell anyone about.

And after all, what gay man would be out walking his dog at 4.30am? In a public park? Sure, you could argue that the park is a notorious haunt for gay men wanting to pick up other gay men. But surely not at 4.30 in the morning. Who'd want to have sex at 4.30 in the morning?

And sure, Spacey met a man, but it was just a man who needed the loan of a mobile phone. To phone his mother. So clearly he wasn't gay either. Who ever heard of a gay man being close to his mother? If he was gay he'd have wanted to ring his father to talk about rugby.

And Spacey lent him his mobile phone. Doubtless Spacey was being, as ever, coy about his sexuality in the park. But anyway, he whipped it out and the strange man took it in his hand. But then the strange man ran away with it - the mobile phone. And Kevin ran after him but tripped over his dog and cut his head in the process. Then, as can often happen in a park in the middle of the night, Kevin felt the blood rushing to his head and he went off and told the cops he'd been mugged.

Afterwards, Kevin clearly felt bad about lying to the bobbies and decided to come clean and tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth about it. And so he admitted that he had been living a big lie, that it was all a con, that he had fallen for the oldest trick in the book.

He admitted he had willingly handed over his handset to the man and that the injury on his head was caused by the fall, that the whole thing was entirely innocent and he really didn't feel there was any need to involve the police, or presumably the newspapers or his close friend Peter Mandelson.

Of course, the Brits are having a great laugh at Spacey's expense. Not us though. We realise that public figures in public parks is no laughing matter. We have previous in this area.

More to the point, we know that Kevin Spacey is not a homosexual. He probably just hasn't met the right woman. Women never want to get involved with famous movie stars.