'Friendship loss can be an invisible grief... it needs to be validated'

The intensity of grief is presumed to be strongest within bereaved families, with the loss of a child being the most profound, she told the Sunday Independent.

"But people generally can devalue the core meaning of friendship and we can turn the loss of a friend into a sort of invisible grief, a hidden grief, by not acknowledging the huge gap in a person's life, by not asking: 'how are you doing?' So friendship loss really needs to be validated," she said.

The pandemic restrictions on the numbers who can attend funerals, the closure of pubs and restaurants, and the ban on visits to private homes have made the mourning process more difficult for all bereaved people.

She said friendship loss comes up as an issue on the foundation's bereavement support line. Friends may have enjoyed a close relationship for 30 or 40 years, but a family of someone who has died may not be fully aware of the depth and importance of that friendship. "We also use the term 'disenfranchised grief'. It's not malicious, it is just where people may not really notice the grief of a 'disenfranchised griever'. It behoves us all to validate the loss of those relationships," she said.

On top of the grief being experienced by all bereaved people during the pandemic is the lack of the usual immediate supports in terms of people visiting homes to share stories, mourn, and comfort. The value of those types of expression is not fully available "so there is an element that some people could have a delay in their grief".

"Grief will always be a part of your life because you always love that person. So you might have 'attacks' of grief for the rest of your life. The goal is to remember the person with love - more often with love rather than the intense sadness. You can expect bursts of grief, but it doesn't mean you have taken a step backwards.

"It goes back to people's expectation of grief and how it happens. People in the community are often not as understanding as they could be. They can be very awkward around grief, so they don't ask later how you are doing and there may be less impromptu calls or offers of help.

"As communities, we could be just a bit more open to asking how people are and really listening to the answer, to give them the opportunity to talk and say how they are. People can get locked into an invisible grief."

Some people are also struggling with the fact that they feel they are currently unable to pay tribute and honour a person who has died. But there are small ways to remember a person, even if it is with an online get-together for a month's mind or to raise a glass on their birthday.

Planning is still difficult at the present time. Each family is different, so it is a matter of what suits. It could be taking a trip when the time is right to a place they always wanted to go, or to revisit a special place. It could be organising a fundraiser.

Around 10pc of people can experience complications and get stuck in their grieving. Covid restrictions are expected to double the percentage of people experiencing such difficulties, Ms Keegan said, adding, "That doesn't mean the other 80pc aren't going to have difficulty."

Sometimes, the current restrictions on the size of funerals have led to unexpected opportunities. She said: "We have heard lovely things of the intimacy and opportunity to really be close as a family, which some families have found to be very good - a lot of time for calmness, a lot of presence among a small number."

The foundation's Bereavement Support Line 1800 80 70 77 is available from 9am to 1pm on weekdays and there is advice on www.hospicefoundation.ie