Friday 6 December 2019

66 million reasons not to vote

Enda Kenny, Joan Burton, Micheal Martin and Gerry Adams
Enda Kenny, Joan Burton, Micheal Martin and Gerry Adams
Brendan O'Connor

Brendan O'Connor

A shock opinion poll today reveals that most people have had enough of the General Election campaign, even though it hasn't even started yet.

Experts say that sometime on Thursday afternoon was a tipping point when most people had suddenly had enough. "It was nothing specific," said a statistics boffin, "It was cumulative. People just got worn down. Couple that with them remembering about once a day that the election hadn't even been called yet, and it just became too much for most normal people, who don't share the great enthusiasm for elections enjoyed by RTE, the rest of the media, politicians and retired politicians, for whom this is an incredibly exciting time."

Comments from those polled included, "I'd rather be looking at pointless stuff on the internet than listening to any more talk about the make-up of the next government." And, "I'm having an affair so I'm mostly busy covering that up rather than thinking about politics."

On Enda Kenny, a shock 94pc of those polled said they found it odd that a grown man seemed to get such pleasure from not telling anyone when the election is going to be.

When asked who they intended voting for in the election, a stunning 78pc of the population gave an answer that was not even offered by pollsters. That's right: nearly four-fifths of people asked about voting intentions said: "Why the eff didn't I play that effing Euromillions? That could have been me." One person polled summed up the feelings of many when he said: "I pulled my car in at the side of the road this morning and spent an hour thinking about what I would do with €66m. You see. I always thought there'd be no point in winning a couple of million in the Lotto because it would only cause trouble. But 66 would be perfect. You could look after everyone, so there'd be no bitching and moaning, and equally you could tell anyone you wanted to to eff off, starting with your boss and maybe even including your children, some of your friends and possibly your wife. Didn't that Dolores one from The Cranberries win the Euromillions? I could handle the money better than her."

It is thought productivity in Ireland crashed over the past 24 hours as people stopped what they were doing to think about the specifics of what they would do with €66m; where they would buy houses, who they would give money to, and how much would go to each person, and more importantly, who they would not give money to. Psychiatric experts were saying last night that they were seeing a surge in business this weekend as many people became extremely stressed with figuring out what to do with the money, even though they had not won it.

Apparently while only 10pc of the population now care to know the date of the election, 90pc mainly want to know when the next Euromillions draw is on.

Sunday Independent

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