Dear Diary: 'I am angry and tired and lonely' - Elaine
'I want to die' was among the 3,000 internet searches found on one of Elaine O'Hara's computers, the Central Criminal Court has heard.
The childcare assistant also penned "dear diary-type entries" which were discovered on her blue HP notebook by gardaí investigating her death.
"I want to cry and I don't know why," Ms O'Hara wrote on November 12, 2010, adding that she was "p***ed off and angry" because she was really lonely.
The diary notes were found by Det Garda Brid Wallace, of the Computer Crime Investigation Unit, who was cross-examined by defence counsel Remy Farrell SC.
In one entry, Ms O'Hara said she felt the need to cut and wanted the urge to go away.
"I want to cut and my mouth waters at the thought of a cigarette, and the smell, I just want it to go," she continued.
In a second entry, Ms O'Hara began: "Dear Diary, Oh my God, I am angry and tired" and went on to say she was upset about everything that was going on in her head and "I just don't know where I am anymore".
"It's not only in my head, it's everywhere - emotions, etc."
Investigations revealed Ms O'Hara had three, and possibly four, profiles on fetish website Alt.com, dating back as far as 2006, the court heard.
Records showed her 'helpmelearn' profile had been visited almost 10,000 times at one point in 2010, when she had 25 "friends".
Others - including 'kinkycasper4' and 'daddy99995' - had been blocked or de-friended.
Det Wallace confirmed the profile image used by Ms O'Hara for 'helpmelearn' - with her hands bound behind her back - was also used for her 'suborslaveforyou' profile which was in existence from at least May 11, 2008.
She agreed with Mr Farrell that 'submissive391' was possibly her third profile and was in use back in 2006, and there was a record of 'submissive391391'.
The court heard Det Gda Wallace rebuilt pages from Alt.com and was able to see that Ms O'Hara had viewed several profiles, including a 38-year-old man from Dun Laoghaire-Rathdown with the profile name 'masturbate4menow' and 'email@example.com', who had asked "how she was doing practicing her masturbating".
There were similar communications on July 20, 2008, with 'firstname.lastname@example.org', in which a document recovered read: "Master, I wish to be your total property online for training, use and abuse", and a reference that Ms O'Hara's sister had been taken to hospital, the court heard.
Other fragments of conversations, including one from January 3, 2008, referred to "making secret plans for Christmas", Mr Farrell said, while another touched on physical contact at an unspecified location.
"Tuesday good for me, same place and time?" Mr Farrell read aloud, along with a reply about college and work.
Ms O'Hara had also joined a group called "degradedc***house" on the site, through which Ms O'Hara's profile was viewed 766 views, the court was told.
The jury was told Ms O'Hara had used a number of search terms on the www.bestgore.com website including "Black hanging women", "woman stabbing", "stabbing 48 times", "prostitute stabbing", "stabbing" and one suicide reference: "Swedish man committing suicide live on the internet."
Elsewhere, the court heard 100,000 files were accessed on the computer on one day, August 18, 2012, and Det Gda Wallace agreed that this was probably the result of an anti-virus programme being run.
She told the trial of Graham Dwyer, who denies murdering Ms O'Hara, that she did not believe another kind of automatic process was responsible because of the random nature of the files being accessed.