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Saturday 24 February 2018

Claire O'Mahony: Five pieces of friendly advice for too-old-to-be-raunchy Madonna

NO one tells Madonna what to do. They wouldn’t dare. And that’s somewhat of a problem because it looks like she could benefit from some kindly advice from a friend right now.



Madge was pictured most recently on the set of her new ‘raunchy’ (what else?) video, all gussied up in tiny leather hotpants and a bra top that showed off so much front, you were almost distracted from the Norma Desmond-in-Sunset-Boulevard make-up she had going on.



Is it wrong for a 53-year-old, incredibly fit woman to dress like this? Of course not. But if you were her mate you might rightly tell Madonna that just because she can, doesn’t mean she should.



Ideally, what we’d like to do is to sit Madonna down over a nice bottle of Pinot Grigio and gently tells her a few home truths.



Like how she doesn’t have to continue to prove to the world that she is an attractive, sexual woman.



Or that flashing your nipple on stage in Turkey looked a bit tragic.



And that Gwyneth Paltrow is actually a good egg and maybe it would be nice to patch things up with her.



That’s just the obvious stuff. The other five things we would like tell her are:



1. Don’t let your 24-year-old boyfriend give you a piggyback.

You might have thought it was really cute that Brahim Zaibat gave you a piggyback when you were sightseeing in Florence. But really it was just more fodder for everyone fixated on your 29-year age difference, with the implication that you are so very, very old, you needed a helping hand.



2. Get better staff

Someone in your entourage leaked your fairly ridiculous tour demands this week, which included a dressing room draped in a special fabric with 20 international phone lines, filled with light-pink and white roses and lilies with stems of exactly six inches. You need to plug that hole.



3. Don’t do a fashion line with you daughter

You have never, ever had fashion credibility – remember your ‘lady of the manor’ phase when you married Guy Richie and wore flat caps? Even the tween market you’re aiming at knows your fashion game is weak.



4. Wear more cardigans

We know you work hard to get those biceps but frankly, they are terrifying.



5. Don’t charge up to €141 for your Dublin gigs

And if you insist on doing so, please stop saying things like: ‘People spend $300 on crazy things all the time, things like handbags. Work all year, scrape the money together, and come to my show. I’m worth it.’ That kind of talk isn’t popular around these parts right now.



And then, having told Madonna like it is, we would all cry and hug each other, open another bottle of wine, talk about diets and maybe go dancing. It really could be that simple.

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