| 9.4°C Dublin

When is a bargain actually a bargain

When it comes to shopping, I really will have to, as my friend's grandchild says, 'cop on myself on'. I like a good bargain, and as a result have a walk-in wardrobe, a utility room and a garage absolutely full of crap. I decided to clear out the first one the other day and I stunned even myself. There were bags full of stuff to be brought as a 'small gift' to a dinner party if necessary. They are all too vile to be brought anywhere except a charity shop. Then again, if I don't particularly like someone, I suppose I could off load them with a smirk on my face.

The haul included candles that smell of something like vomit. That's why they were left there in the first place. Then along came a fool like me and buys them in vast quantities. Just to prove I can spot a bargain. A little book for photos with 'Mr and Mrs' on it. Now that's fairly limiting. I suppose I thought it would make a nice engagement gift for someone and it was half price. Then I realised it was far too twee. Wine bottles that are actually umbrellas. There was 30 pc off them. I must be completely gaga. Who in their right minds is going to walk around with a wine bottle in their hand, without feeling the need to explain to everyone that it's not actually a wine bottle? They would have to carry their umbrella in a brown paper bag. Reduced soaps in every form. Liquid and tablet. All different colours. I'd be quite insulted if someone brought me soap. I would definitely think there was an underlying message. Enough photo frames to open a shop. A whole big bag of them. Sometimes I get gifts of them and they are stashed as well. I haven't one inch of space to put a frame on.

I could have a car boot sale, I suppose, but I'm not even sure if anybody would buy anything. I'll have to develop a knack of walking out of a shop when I see a multitude of 'bargains' and sitting in the car, having a fag and trying to reason with myself. I know with my mentality that, nine times out of 10, I will probably go back in and buy them.

Sunday Independent