Tuesday 24 April 2018

Top five... north of England gals

Our Cilla
Our Cilla
Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Fernandez-Versini
Liverpool's answer to Angela Merkel, Lily Savage
Lancashire's very own hotpot, Bet Lynch
One-hit wonder Emily Bronte

As Julia Molony talks to Cheshire-born Tess Daly, Pat Fitzpatrick looks at other women from the English north who have hit the big time


Cilla's recent untimely death had us all thinking about Blind Date. It was so innocent compared to the dating scene in Ireland back then. That would be best captured in a show called Blind Drunk. The format was simple. At closing time, ask the random woman standing next to you a simple question. This entitled you to lob the gob, apparently. Romantic. Tinder has changed everything. Now the guy has to meet the girl sober and ask 73 questions before he gets to lob the gob. They call that progress.


Sorry, we couldn't fit her surname in the header. And, in fairness, it probably will have changed by the time you read this. Cheryl comes from Newcastle. The name of the city comes from the old English word for 'Place where lasses drink pints of Mojito in incredibly short skirts during the winter'. Unusually in this case, the Germans have a shorter word for it. DerEasyFrau. Stop, that's just a terrible slur on ladies everywhere, says you, googling "cheap flights to Newcastle".


Lily is a Scouser. That's the polite word for "Descended from Irish people who couldn't afford the fare to America". Lily is a man dressed up as a woman. She's the opposite of Angela Merkel in that sense. (Or the same, depending on how you look at it.) Some say English men are uncomfortable dressing up as women. We say you've obviously never seen their rugby guys in Temple Bar, wearing a flashing sign saying "Not Gay, Not Gay".


Younger readers might think this is an advertising slogan for a bookie with connections to a former Taoiseach from Cork. Bet Lynch? No? Fair enough. Irish viewers who first came across Bet and co in Coronation Street during the 1980s had one question. What's that language they're speaking? Followed by, how come we Irish are known for our boozing, when it's obvious now that English people have three pints for lunch? There must be great soakage in 'otpot, says you.


If you think Emily was one of those northern birds on Geordie Shore, we need to talk. Mainly because you sound like you might be a bit of fun. Emily wrote Wuthering Heights. You probably enjoyed reading it for the Leaving Cert, because at least it wasn't Peig. She was from Thornton in Yorkshire. That's a big county full of angry cranks who love talking about how great they are in a funny accent. Sound familiar? Hello, Cork. Hello?

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