Monday 19 November 2018

There's just no escaping RTÉ's dance juggernaut

Kirsty at large ...

Putting on the ritz: Marty Morrissey and Ksenia Zsikhotska
Putting on the ritz: Marty Morrissey and Ksenia Zsikhotska
Norah Casey with Curtis Pritchard
Taking the chair: ignore the fads and follow Zsa Zsa's advice

KirstyBlake Knox

Can you feel that confusing tingle of excitement mixed with dread? That something is coming down the tracks and there is no way you can ever escape it?

Well it's probably because RTÉ's ultimate shiny-floor Sunday night show is back; Dancing with the Stars Ireland.

And for the next 12 weeks the juggernaut will be completely unavoidable.

You'll try to ignore it, but eventually the DWTS team will wear you down - with their spangled costumes and iron-fist PR push.

Norah Casey with Curtis Pritchard
Norah Casey with Curtis Pritchard

Next thing you know you're watching Marty Morrissey doing the Salsa to Despacio.

RTÉ has promised that this year will be bigger, better and glitzier than ever. Here are some things we can be certain will happen.

* Marty Morrissey will win. There is no way he will not win. Even if Fred Astaire rose from the dead and participated on the show, Marty would win.

* For the next 12 weeks, The Late Late Show/ Ray D'Arcy Show guest list will rotate between the contestants of DWTS, the cast of Striking Out, the judges of DWTS, the cast of Striking Out, the dancers on DWTS, and John Creedon.

* Amanda and Nicky will have more terrible, terrible scripted banter. They're no Tess and Claudia, that's for sure.

* Norah Casey will dance to the theme tune of 1973 Bruce Lee film Enter the Dragon, or Sisqo's 'Unleash the Dragon'.

* Thalia Heffernan and Ryan McShane will remind us once again that they are DWTS true love's dream.

* All of the contestants will complain about how time consuming the show is.

* All of them will lose weight.

* Jake Carter will wear inappropriately tight trousers.

* His brother Nathan will perform.

* RTÉ will realise the benefits of asking the siblings of famous people to be on reality shows.

* Louis Walsh will continue to point out the lack of celebrities in the line up. "They are not even celebrities in their own homes," he said last year. Louis' opinions are unbiased and definitely have nothing to do with the fact that he has a rival show Ireland's Got Talent airing on TV3.

* There will be a movie-themed night and Marty Morrissey will go as a Porg from Star Wars.

* Erin McGregor's time on the show will be short but eventful. She will leave early because she is from Dublin and Dubliners don't vote.

* Before she leaves Conor McGregor and his baby CJ will arrive at Ardmore flanked by security and wearing matching shiny Spanish trousers.

* Dancing Dessie will return for one night only.

* Anna Geary will work a camogie into a dance routine. In much the same way that Teresa Mannion was swanning about with an umbrella.

* All of the contestants will talk far too earnestly about 'the journey' they have all been part of. And how much they love their fellow contestants.

* The following Irish celebrities will casually mention to the press that they would be more than willing to take part in the 2019 show; Rory Cowan, Lorraine Keane, and any Irish influencer you can think of.

* There will be a sequin-related injury. A Roundel will end up in someone's eye, mark my words.

* Nicky will be asked once again if a Westlife reunion is on the cards.

* RTÉ and Shinawil will act like they themselves devised the format, instead of nicking it off the Beeb.

Joe Wicks? I'll take Zsa Zsa's fitness regime

Back-to-work jet lag becomes 100 times worse when bombarded with a glut of 'New Year, New You' fitness articles and vlogs.

All of them scaremongering about sugar, and extolling the virtues of Vegan-uary, and 'clarity cleanses'.

This year, instead of being reeled in by Joe Wicks or the latest healthy-eating fad, I have decided to turn to renowned fitness icon - the late Zsa Zsa Gabor.

In 1993, Zsa Zsa released her fitness video, It's Simple, Darling! at the tender age of 76.

In the video she talks about exercises while flanked by two oiled-up men in skin tight leotards.

Zsa Zsa's exercise goals are very achievable post-Christmas. "Sit down in a chair. Raise your arm. Now lower your arm," she says.In fact, the majority of exercises seem to be chair based.

At one point Gabor does push-ups against the backs of her two assistants.

She says viewers needn't worry if they don't have two body builders to hand.

They can use an ex-husband, a gardener, a plumber, a pool boy, a director, a lawyer and "if you don't any of those, use a wall".

Solid fitness advice right there.

The video is just the tonic to the abundance of clean-eating articles.

If Zsa Zsa can't lift your spirits, then it's worth remembering that all the following were once legitimate diets.

The tapeworm diet, the cotton ball diet, the grapefruit diet, the Fletcherism Diet aka the intense chewing diet, the 'Freegan' diet (eating free leftovers), and the cigarette diet.

The Hallelujah diet involves only eating what Adam and Eve favoured (before the apple), while the sleeping beauty diet suggested taking so many sedatives you'd sleep three days straight, thus minimising the chances of eating an entire chocolate cake.

Best advice? Ignore all the 2018 fads. And, as Zsa Zsa says, keep things simple.


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