Thursday 21 February 2019

The Week-ipedia: From ISIS knickers to Kimye's honeymoon

Kim Kardashian visited Portlaoise cinema.
Kim Kardashian visited Portlaoise cinema.
Eamon Dunphy: 'The game in Germany is in decline.' Pic. Steve Humphries.
Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson in 'True Detective'.
Kim Bielenberg

Kim Bielenberg

The 2014 Year-ipedia awards....

MOTHER SUPERIOR  OF THE YEAR

A 31-year-old holy woman from El Salvador was surprised when she gave birth to a baby boy. "It's not possible, I'm a nun," she told puzzled hospital doctors.

Another nun said said: "We noticed she had put on weight recently. She kept herself to herself."

Well, perhaps not entirely.

THE PERFECT TIMING AWARD

The sex toy and lingerie chain Ann Summers got its knickers in a twist after it named its new range of underwear Isis.

We look forward to members of the terrorist group of the same name wearing the thongs, suspenders and plunge bras.

PUNDIT OF THE YEAR (1)

Eamon Dunphy after he described the Irish manager Martin O'Neill as "Trapattoni with a Derry accent." And not long before the World Cup he sagely suggested: "The game is in decline in Germany."

Of course, they then won the World Cup.

PUNDIT OF THE YEAR (2)

Sky's Jamie Redknapp who offered words of wisdom on Manchester United.

"Somehow under Ferguson, they papered over the craps."

BISHOP OF BLING

The Vatican finally removed ostentatious bishop Tebartz-van Elst from office after he blew €31million on his palace. His spree included €15,000 on a bath, €25,000 on a table and over €2million on a courtyard with holy water fountains.

The rest he just wasted.

RUSSIAN OF THE YEAR

He presided over the collapse of the rouble. He's had a spot of bother in Ukraine, but that didn't stop Vladimir being named Russian of the Year for the 15th year running. And he was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. As one observer suggested, "It's like King Herod winning a medal for babysitting."

PUNISHMENT OF THE YEAR

A man who bit a Garda on the arm was sentenced by Judge John Lindsay to cut his mother's grass for 50 years. This was just the sort of sentence Fifa should have imposed on the biting Uruguayan Luis Chewy Suarez.

WORD OF the YEAR

Oxford Dictionaries crowned 'vape' word of the year, with 'normcore' and 'contactless' as runners-up.

If you want to vape, you'll have to go outside.

UNLIKELY HONEYMOON PRIZE

They might have floated around the Caribbean or the South of France after their nuptials. Instead Kim Kardashian and Kanye West chose Ireland for their honeymoon.

They spent day three going to the Odeon Cinema in Portlaoise, where one local told an international news agency: "If you listen carefully, you can hear cows mooing."

THE EMERGENCY CALLER AWARD

An Englishwoman dialled 999 (shouldn't that be 99) after she was sold an ice cream without enough chocolate sprinkles on one side.

The indignant caller told West Midlands Police: "I've ordered an ice cream and he's put bits on one side and none on the other."

Arrest the suspect now!

Most popular stories in 2014 on Independent.ie

1. Second death linked to online drinking game. 754k

2. Mother and boyfriend 'had sex, ate pizza and laughed as they tortured son (3) to death'. 382k

3. 'Maddie McCann police took our baby because we gave her Calpol' - Irish couple's Portugal holiday hell. 366k

4. Brad Pitt to replace Matthew McConaughey (pictured) in 'True Detective'. 340k

5. Lena Dunham postpones book tour with ill health after claims she 'sexually abused' sister. 317k

6. Top scientist ejected from classical concert after 'trying to crowd surf'. 273k

TwittÉire Retweeted

It was good to report during the year that romance was still alive and well in Dublin bars

@OverheardDublin 

In The Long Hall pub – Woman: “I love you.” Man: “Is that you or the wine talking?” Woman: “That’s me talking to the wine!”

Not everybody appreciated the relentless Tweeting of SF leader Gerry Adams about his teddy bears and rubber ducks

@OwensDamien

Gerry Adams tries too hard to be cute and whimsical on Twitter. It’s like Charles Manson showing you his collection of tea cosies.

The economy appeared to recover but very few of us felt it in our pockets.

@hiredknave

“Dad... are we poor?” “No, son, we were poor before. Now we are competitive.”

When the Garth Brooks concerts at Croke Park were called off after complaints from residents the country seemed to be in the grip of hysteria.

@WhispersNewsLTD

The Taoiseach has declared a state of emergency. Martial law is in place. You are advised to stay indoors. #GarthBrooks

The Twitter storm over Rory O’Neill aka Panti Bliss continued to rumble on after his appearance on a chatshow on RTE.

@PantiBliss

Yoghurt for breakfast. Wrote some emails. Message from Madonna about my speech. Walked the dog. WAIT WHAT?

Love/Hate was again the TV hit of the year. Rob Kearney (parody account) wondered whether the main character Nidge was making the right personal finance decisions.

@Boring Kearney

I wonder what interest rate Terence is giving Nigel. By the sounds of it is over a short term basis, credit union would be a better option.

We are all delighted when a happy couple have an eye for each other

@ojedge

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse? Better... or worse?

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