The bluffer's guide to the week's cultural highlights
All you need to know about the week’s cultural highlights, in handy bitesize form. You’re welcome ...
50 SHADES OF GREY
WHAT: The movie of EL James' erotic novel.
IRISH PRE-BOOKINGS: 50,000 tickets.
EARLY REACTIONS: Better than expected.
BUT: There were reports of "angry" and "impatient" viewers who didn't like waiting so long for the sex scenes. Have they ever heard of the internet, you'd wonder?
SADO-MASOCHISTIC ELEMENTS: Listening to Jamie Dornan's attempt at a "Cork" accent on a US chat-show.
BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW: James's husband, Niall Leonard, is from Down.
DO SAY: Finally, women's sexuality is freed.
DON'T SAY: Those binds look as uncomfortable as I'm currently feeling.
WHAT: The annual biff-bash-bosh-athon that is rugby's oldest competition.
WHERE: Ireland beat Italy 23-6 in Rome.
TYPICAL HEADLINE: Ireland Pound Italy Into Submission.
MISSED HEADLINE OPPORTUNITY: Scrum Kind of Wonderful.
GEORGE HOOK HAPPINESS LEVELS: Medium.
BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW: Ireland are second-bottom in the Roll of Honour.
DO SAY: The guys need to do their work-ons in terms of go-forward ball.
DON'T SAY: I can't follow any of this - and I don't think anyone can.
WHAT: Australia is to enter next year's Song Contest, as part of 60th anniversary celebrations.
GEOGRAPHICAL CONFUSION: Yes, Oz is a billion miles away. But it already has Israel and Azerbaijan, so their concept of 'Europe' is fluid.
WHAT THEY SAID: "A daring and incredibly exciting move": Eurovision spokesman Jon Ola Sand.
IRELAND'S CHANCES: Reduced yet further by this.
BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW: Previous Aussie entrants include New Seekers, Gina G and Olivia Newton John.
DO SAY: You bloody rippah!
DON'T SAY: Australian music died for me when Men at Work broke up.
BETTER CALL SAUL
WHAT: Prequel/spin-off/whatever to Breaking Bad.
WHERE: Just started on Netflix.
ABOUT: Odious lawyer Saul Goodman, real name Jimmy McGill.
OTHER IRISH LINKS: Star Bob Odenkirk made a YouTube message to audiences here.
MENTIONS OF GUINNESS: Two.
BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW: Breaking Bad's 'Ozymandias' was named the best single episode of telly ever made.
DO SAY: This is so clever and meta-textual.
DON'T SAY: Which one's Walter White?