Thursday 17 October 2019

Love Island 2019: Michael gets an eyeful of Amber after Joanna crawled for him, while Jordan's Magic Mike moves had the girls all a FLUH'HER!

Michael on Love Island. PIC: ITV
Michael on Love Island. PIC: ITV

Sheena McGinley

"HoLY MaRY MUdDeR OF GAAAwhD!" Remember the heart race challenge of 2018? Dani the "Cheerleader" tried to dance like her dad wasn't watching, Megan put on quite the show for Wes, while Georgia became every inch the Las Vegas showgirl, setting pulses (and so on) skyrocketing, rendering her the winner. Well, tonight, Maura channelled her latent Georgia...

The boys were first to strap on the heart monitors and be treated to, well, lapdances by each of the girls. All eyes were on Michael when Amber danced, Belle had a surprising amount of moves, Anna went straight for Jordan, and Maura used the opportunity to wear the face off Curtis.

WHO TURNED ON THE BOYS???

Tommy - Molly-Mae (French Maid)

Chris - Molly-Mae

Jordan - Belle (Some kind of dominatrix)

Marvin - Amber (burlesque goddess)

Curtis - Maura (Pussy Galore in fishnets)

Anton - Francesca (a secretary with RSI)

Ovie - Joanna (kinky Charleston dancer)

Michael - Amber (that's what producers put out there, anyway)

Brows mopped and heart monitors wiped, it was the girls' turn to be treated to some hip manoeuvres. The most surprising hit of the night? Jordan, followed by Anton.

WHO TURNED ON THE GIRLS???

Joanna - Anton (Sexy Popeye)

Belle - Anton (Sexy Popeye)

Maura - Curtis (Samba enthusiast)

Amber - Jordan (Magic Mike by way of Moby Dick)

Francesca - Jordan (Magic Mike by way of Moby Dick)

Molly-Mae - Jordan (Magic Mike by way of Moby Dick)

Anna - Jordan (Magic Mike by way of Moby Dick, even though she'd no idea who Moby Dick is)

In the heartrate stakes, the girls won. However, Jordan, Anton and Curtis (but mostly Jordan and his fabled "Moby Dick") were the real winners at the end of the day. Surprisingly, nobody found Ovie's oiled up ode to David Attenborough a turn on. Strange.

NEWBIES TOOK BELLE, MAURA, OVIE AND CURTIS ON DATES

Well, these choices weren't at all instigated by producers. For her first sample of Island delight, Francesca made a fine choice and chose Ovie to stare over an upsided wine crate at. On behalf of viewers everywhere, Francesca, a wholehearted thank you for affording us some much-needed additional Ovie.

Were there any covert ovie-tures (apologies) from the basketballer? He complimented her eyes. Francesca responded in kind, echoing thoughts across the UK and Ireland when she said: “You’re so chilled out. I like that. You’re so easy to be around and you’re so pretty.” SOOOOOOOOO pretty.

With Maura "seeeeedin'" at Curtis also being asked for a date, did the ballroom dancer hold back from going full frenetic "CHAW, CHAW, CHAW" or play it American Smooth? The latter, obviously. But, then again, Francesca's repetitive lapdance technique may have let her down in the long run...

Meanwhile, Chris doesn't only look like ex-Islander Tom, he's also got a similar gift of the gab. After choosing Belle for his first date (he's into "blonde hair and bright eyes"), he then extended an invite to Maura, who – must be said – is Belle's polar opposite. So, why Maura? Over to you, To – I mean – Chris: "You’ve got a cracking personality. You’re the type of girl you’d give stick out, but I think you can take it as well... when you asked me why I took you on a date, I was going to say ‘to see if it’s all talk'."

Yep, Chris went there. He brought up Tom's finest moment in the Villa, c*ckblocking himself from a turn for a night alone with Maura. After Tom's almighty gaff, Maura chose not to bring him to The Hideaway and the illicit venue of LUUURRRRVE hasn't been seen since. Seriously though, is anyone going to see The (huh huh huh) Hideaway ever again?? Like, we're talking Deep Dish remix levels of withdrawal, sure there are only a few weeks left?!?!

TONIGHT’S TAKEAWAYS

• All the feelings when Amber said “Having a new boy enter the villa tonight has made me realise that I still have feelings for Michael.”

• Michael THEN said this...

• NEVER underestimate how loved Ovie is...

•  Chris said he was a "Business development manager" but really he's set up "a social support for new and upcoming dog owners." He has no dogs.

•  Let me guess; Francesca reminds you of someone? She is the offspring of a love child between Eva Mendes and Paloma Faith. You are most welcome.

OVERALL VIBE...

TOOOMORROOOW NIIIGHT...

There's a recoupling – BYE MARVIN!

Love Island continues on Virgin Media Two and ITV2.

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