Love Island 2019: Everyone reunites (physically, not figuratively), with some islanders cast adrift
Curtis is a plant. Not entirely a plank, or a more woody variety – such as the Japanese knotweed – but, like, a PROPER plant. Twitter reckons he's in with the producers and they're feeding him all sorts. Why else would you jeopardise your chance for a £50k prize pot for someone who clearly has zero interest in you (Jourdan). There is but one reason... TV ratings.
Amy and Curtis could have been quids in as a couple had they both remained emphatically a unit despite being apart. Instead, Amy's flapped about, claiming she's too hot to mix with anyone (mainly on account of her being madly in love), while Curtis turned his eyeballs in on himself to such an extent he was channelling Ash in full Evil Dead mode. And yet he went so far as to tell someone who had, like, MINUS interest in him that he would choose her instead of the person he's been coupled up with since the series started.
As for Michael, well, the fallout from that made the whole Kaz, Josh and Georgia scenario from last year look like a furry love in.
In case anyone needs it spelled out: if both the girl and boy decided to stay true to their original couple, they returned to that couple. If either the girl or boy decided to partner with someone new, they formed a new couple. So, with that in mind...
Danny coupled up with... Jourdan (leaving Curtis bereft)
Anton coupled up with... back-tickler Belle
Curtis recoupled with Amy (but for how long, hah?)
Tommy recoupled with Molly-Mae
Lucie coupled up with George (sorry Stevie. You may nail an Insta post caption, but your bants just weren't competition for George's jaw)
Maura coupled up with Marvin (the silent assassin)
Anna decided to switch couples, returning with Ovie
And... in case anyone was left in any doubt... Michael coupled up with Joanna. Leaving Amber to walk back into the Villa entirely on her todd.
As Jordan (through lack of options considering Jourdan was taken with "travel agent" Danny) decided to stick with Anna, and Amber opted to stay true to Michael, both of them are now single. AND' RAAAAYGIN' altogether.
In case you care about any of the randomers who lasted all of three days; Maria, Nabila, Lavena, Stevie, Dan and double Dennon have been dumped from the Island. I could tentatively pick through all of their exit interviews but nobody was that emotionally invested so let's just leave it there.
OH – SORRY – THE GAME OF DARES
OK, so it was entitled "Beer Pong" but it wasn't really beer pong as the beer had no ping (non-alcoholic) and it didn't resemble the actual sport of Beer Pong much. That aside, as it turns out, Curtis is SO self-involved that he was still thinking he could have Jourdan if he wanted her – you know – despite her not being into him IN. THE. SLIGHTEST. Jourdan put him out of his misery by blatantly friend-zoning him, a position she was pushed into because Curtis never factored in the fact that she does not fancy him. What a f***wit.
• Jourdan is fierce diplomatic and a rather sound sort. If she coupled up with someone sound (like, anyone but Danny) she could win this.
• If there's one positive to come from Curtis trying to toss Amy aside is that the viewing public may start feeling some empathy for her.
• Tommy saying "Me son (Ellie Belly) is missing his mum as well, we need to be reunited – the Fury Family." Hearts broke all over the UK and Ireland - and then he looked a bit miffed when Lucie arrived back with George.
• "How can Amber be hurt when she made it clear I'm not her type..." Eh, how's that for making it ALL Amber's fault for you being, I dunno, fickle. Also, by the by, "childish" Amber is a year younger than Joanna.
• We're over Caroline's slow-mos. And who knew Danny – the Harry Potter enthusiast – was wearing contacts this whole time?!
Listen, you know yerself, it's ALL kicking off – with Amber being branded the pathetic one.
- Love Island continues on Virgin Media Two and ITV2.