Thursday 23 November 2017

Jim-Jim Nugent: Fair City's Katy storyline puts the NAP into kidnap

Jim-Jim Nugent

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

That's the question we've all been shouting from the back seat of the Fair City bus as the writers drive us crazy!  We've been politely asking that question (four times per week) for over a year. The answer is... "eh, nearly, not sure"

Sunday's episode started with a warning that it might not be suitable for some viewers. Wish they'd warned us all earlier. "Viewers are warned not to operate heavy machinery while this story rattles on and on".

Oh yes, for the past thirteen months, Fair City has put the NAP into Kidnap, as we've all grown tired as Katy has been locked in a box with very little movement from her or the storyline (apart from the wall wobble when then door slams). Then, last week, her incarceration continued in Ciaran's crap flat. In fact the flat isn't much of a step up from the box at all, with curtains so loud that they could have poor Katie wishing for her old box back.

I haven't sworn at the TV this much for a long time. Mostly it's been: "What the f*** am I doing watching this?" And "Its going on another ****ing WEEK???"

I have many more Fair City questions...

1) Why doesn't anyone ask Ciaran why he carries that giant backpack with him everywhere he goes? He looks like a moody schoolboy with that yoke.

2) How was Ciaran able to hold Katy AND Emmet captive with a knife he got out of a lucky bag? Big bag, tiny knife.

3) How come Leo Dowling hasn't got his guitar out recently? It must be in his contract to sing once a year.

This week Carraigstown started to finally twig that the baddie lived amongst them (where else would he live?) Hughie the barman has been making some strange faces in recent episodes. Either he's suffering from violent windy pains or the it's the penny dropping that Ciaran is clearly not a great catch for his niece Farrah. You can't get anything past that barman. Well, you can... but not after a couple of hundred episodes. Then he'll be on to you like Scooby Doo after that. A lot quicker than Garda John Deegan in fairness - but that's not difficult.

Katy's Ma, Debbie, has even found the time to kick Tommy Dillon out of bed and suddenly developed psychic powers as she's also sussed that Ciaran is forcing her Katy and Emmet to look at those curtains with his key ring Swiss-army knife. He also gagged him with a tea towel and tied him up with one piece of string.

Deegan took a dodgy 80's brown leather hoody out of a bag and said "Does anybody recognise this jacket?" The same jacket Emmet has worn in every single scene since he started.

So after a mass meeting of the surprised cast in Farrah's house, the hunt was on to track down the two missing and the criminal mastermind. Nobody thought to check Ciaran's flat where he was still brandishing that cocktail stick of a knife.

It got even more hilarious when Ciaran was able to wander around seemingly invisible just by putting his hoody up. I was swearing at the TV again at this point... "He's even wearing the f***ing giant school bag!!!"

It was then I realised that Garda Deegan sounds like a Dublin John Wayne, but that's not important now.

Finally the violent scenes we were promised. Emmet goes for Ciaran with a handy rolling pin he found (no, I'm not joking). Ciaran and Emmet go toe to toe but it's all over when Katy stabbed Ciaran in the shoulder. They even had blood.

Is it over you ask? ..... NO!

Seriously? Seriously. They are dragging it out until Tuesday when he better get out or I fear for my TV. I really don't want to put my foot through the screen but it might just happen.

Anyway, it could be worse, Leo Dowling could have guitar out.

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