Sunday 27 May 2018

Fake tan, dad dancing and Marty's party: Ten things we learned from Dancing With The Stars

Broadcaster and Comedian Bernard O’Shea and Valeria Milova during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars.
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Broadcaster and Comedian Bernard O’Shea and Valeria Milova during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix

Chris Wasser

Dancing with the Stars Ireland returned for its second season tonight, bringing with it all the glamour, glitz and glorious Marty-isms we’d expected. Things got noisy. Things got fabulous. Things got sort of surreal, if we’re honest. Here’s what we learned from all those dancin’ famous folks…

Bernard O’Shea’s legs and brain have fallen out…

We didn’t say it: he did. Bernard O’Shea – radio man, comedian, sitcom star – has an irrational fear of dancing. He’s terrified of dancing. He’s never particularly enjoyed dancing. And, yet, here he is, taking part in a show where people are expected to, um, dance for our pleasure. And, his brain has fallen out with his legs (again, his words, not ours). 

We admire O’Shea’s confidence. We know he’s put the work in. But let’s be honest, there wasn’t much actual dancing going on in O’Shea and dance partner Valeria’s debut outing (a bizarre tango, soundtracked by The Buggles’ Video Killed the Radio Star). “Valeria, you won it last year,” O’Shea told his partner. “Yeah, you won’t win it this year.” At least he’s honest. The judges scored ten. Ouch.

Broadcaster and Comedian Bernard O’Shea and Valeria Milova during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars.
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Broadcaster and Comedian Bernard O’Shea and Valeria Milova during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix
RTE’s Marty Morrissey and Ksenia Zsikhotska during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix
RTE’s Marty Morrissey and Ksenia Zsikhotska during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix
Olympic Athlete Robert Heffernan and Emily Barker during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix
Former Rugby Player Tomás O’Leary and Giulia Dotta during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix
Singer and Brother of Nathan Jake Carter and Karen Byrne during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix
Singer and Brother of Nathan Jake Carter and Karen Byrne during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix
Former Rugby Player Tomás O’Leary and Giulia Dotta during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix
Broadcaster and Comedian Bernard O’Shea and Valeria Milova during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix
Aidan O’Mahony and Valeria Milova during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix
Maia Dunphy and Erin Mc Gregor during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix
Deirdre O’Kane and Alannah Beirne during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix
Norah Casey and Anna Geary during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix
The opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix
Judges Brian Redmond ,Lorraine Barry and Darren Bennett during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix
Anna Geary, Norah Casey,Alannah Beirne,Erin Mc Gregor,Maia Dunphy and Deirdre O’Kane during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix
Amanda Byram and Nicky Byrne during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix
Broadcaster and Comedian Bernard O’Shea and Valeria Milova during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix

Nicky Byrne is a comedy genius…

“It’s going to be a long run!” said co-host Nicky Byrne, addressing Irish race walker and Olympic champ, Rob Heffernan (you can see what he did there). “That is the highest score of the series!” said Byrne to Heffernan (the first contestant on the show). “I’m here all week!” said Byrne. “Actually, three months…”. And he just kept on going. It’s going to be a long run, indeed (and we’re loving it, Nicky boy).

The lads went mad with the fake tan again…

Nicky Byrne held up a bronze medal (Heffernan’s own) next to Rob Heffernan’s face. Because, you know, Rob Heffernan has gone bananas with the fake tan.  Not Hughie Maughan bad, but there’s still time…

Nathan Carter has a famous brother (and he’s not bad)…

His name is Jake. He’s 19. He sings. He stars in pantos. He has fabulous hair. Sorry, folks, but these are the things we ‘learned’ from Dancing with the Stars, and your trusted correspondent did not know there was another famous Carter. And, well, he’s not a bad auld mover. The judges called him Jake ‘The Snake Hips’ Carter. They also referred to him as a Ferrari (whatever the heck that means). “I didn’t drop her”, said Carter after his successful salsa debut with Karen Byrne. Always a bonus, Jakey. Always a bonus, indeed.

Two hours of dancing on the telly is too long…

There is no need for Dancing with the Stars to be two hours long each week. By the time Dancing with the Stars reaches its conclusion (in 12 weeks, remember), we’ll have spent more than a day of our lives watching Dancing with the Stars. That is terrifying. Yes, we know. It’s the format. It’s how this Strictly business works. But still. Tighten things up next year, folks. Please.

The opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars.
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The opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix

No party is ever complete without a Marty…

We’d like to thank co-host Amanda Byram for our new favourite motto. She is, of course, referring to Marty Morrissey. Repeat after us: No party is ever complete without a Marty. No party is ever complete without a Marty. No party…

It’s all about Marty…

Him again. Mark our words: Marty Morrissey will win Dancing with the Stars. The entire episode was built around Marty’s debut dance do. The hosts made jokes. The other contestants teased his arrival. When he finally surfaced, the Marty Mottos just kept on coming. “I’m Marty, and I like to party.” “Why am I doing this? I should be on holidays.” You couldn’t make this up.

Marty Morrissey’s legs have fallen out with his brain…

We don’t want to be mean. We realise the amount of work that goes into this. We know poor Marty should be on his holidays. But did you see Marty’s Joe Dolan-themed quick-step routine? Jaypers tonight. It was, um, ah, er…it was something else. A bit stiff. A bit odd. A bit surreal. He’s trying - he’s really, really trying. And, despite his best efforts, he didn’t fall over. 

He also came out with 12 points. And everybody loved him. “I think you just got this marty started!” said Amanda. The crowd yelled for more. They chanted his name. He took the judges’ criticism on the chin. What a man. It’s Marty Morrissey’s world, lads. The rest of us are just living in it. 

RTE’s Marty Morrissey and Ksenia Zsikhotska during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars.
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RTE’s Marty Morrissey and Ksenia Zsikhotska during the opening show of RTE’s Dancing with the Stars. kobpix

“Dancing dads have a new champion…”

Another Nicky Byrne gem there. It’s Bernard O’Shea, by the way – the new dancing dad champion of the world. Of course he is. He also scored the uh, lowest, erm, score in Dancing with the Stars history (a ten, remember). Poor Bernard. Someone make him a dancing dad trophy. Pronto.

Aidan O’Mahony is the real deal…

Last year’s winner returned to show everyone how it’s done. That bloke can dance. A Marty and Aidan duet needs to happen.

Read More: 'I'm Marty and I like to party' - Dancing With The Stars is officially back in business
Read More: 'My mother will be asking why is she shaking her bits on live TV?' - Anna Geary

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