Monday 23 September 2019

Six things we learned from DWTS (and why switch-up week makes absolutely no sense)

Bernard O’Shea and Karen Byrne Credit: kobpix
Bernard O’Shea and Karen Byrne Credit: kobpix

Chris Wasser

We’re getting on a bit. Yes, indeed, Dancing with the Stars has been back on our screens for so long now, that we can’t imagine life without it. We don’t want to.

Better still, there were no eliminations tonight (we always hate that bit). But, as usual, there were plenty of talking points. And, yes, Nicky Byrne’s purple tuxedo was outstanding (it deserves an article of its own, really). Here’s what we learned…


1) The switch-up theme makes absolutely no sense…

It was ‘switch-up week’ on Dancing with the Stars. It’s simple, really. All of the celebrities switch dancing partners. The audience members switch places with the judges. The hosts switch places with the cameramen. Only one of these statements is true. But, if there’s one thing we’ve learned about switch-up week on Dancing with the Stars, it’s that switch-up week on Dancing with the Stars makes absolutely no sense. It is pointless. It serves no purpose. The judges insist it brings something new to the dancefloor, but it also breaks the flow and breaks up beautiful partnerships (poor Jake Carter couldn’t cope). 

Not everyone agrees, mind. Marty Morrissey, for instance. “Whoever came up with the idea of the switch-up, they’re a genius!” said Marty, who danced with Emily Barker this week, while dressed as a boy scout (don’t ask). But why? Why wreck with everyone’s buzz? There are literally dozens of themes they could have gone with instead. Pop Star Theme, for example. Eighties Theme. Fifty Shades Theme (with Marty as Christian Grey). Valentine’s Theme. Pancake Tuesday Theme. Lent Theme. Cake Theme. Rugby theme. Spring theme. Classic Irish Poetry Theme. Star Trek Theme. Any Other Theme than Switch-Up Theme Theme. The list goes on.

Deirdre O’Kane and Vitali Kuzmin Nolan
Credit: kobpix
Deirdre O’Kane and Vitali Kuzmin Nolan Credit: kobpix
Jake Carter and Valeria Kuzmin Credit: kobpix/NO FEE for repro.
Bernard O’Shea and Karen Byrne Credit: kobpix
Anna Geary and Ryan Mc Shane Credit: kobpix
Marty Morrissey and Emily Barker credit: kobpix
Robert Heffernan and Ksenia Zsikhotska Credit: kobpix/NO FEE for repro.
Alannah Beirne and Kai Widdrington Credit: kobpix
Gavin James Credit: kobpix
Erin McGregor and John Nolan Credit: kobpix
Robert Heffernan and Ksenia Zsikhotska Credit: kobpix
Gavin James Credit: kobpix


2) Bernard O’Shea is a bloomin’ looper…

We mean that in the best possible way. We’ve done the research, though, and it’s true: the man is bonkers. Bernard O’Shea’s partner this week was Karen Byrne (who was only ragin’ at having to leave Jake Carter behind). They were supposed to do the Charleston together, surrounded by giant candy props (like Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory). It was…well, it was something special. Something unique. Something we’ll all be telling stories to our grandchildren about for years to come. 

Judge Julian thought it more “Willy Wonky than Willy Wonka” (wahey, Jules). “You created a new dance, so well done!” he enthused. Actually, Bernard did create a new dance. It’s called the ‘Belly, Belly, Bum, Bum’ (we’re not making this up) and he later showed Nicky Byrne how one does the ‘Belly, Belly, Bum, Bum’. Oh yes, they broke the mould when they made Bernard. What a man. Still can’t dance, though, the poor fella. 


3) Nicky Byrne’s jokes are the reason we tune in…

He presented Mr Willy Wonky himself, the delectable Bernard O’Shea, with a golden ticket to next week’s show (while wearing a purple tuxedo, remember). He delivered a cracker after Marty’s performance in a canoe. “It suited the both of you!” said Nicky. Get it? Because ‘both’ rhymes with ‘boat’, eh? You think we’re being sarcastic – we’re not. A perfect pun. The Nicky Byrne Stand-Up Comedy Gems give us life.


4) Jake and Karen are for life…

“Switch-up week should be banned”, said Jake Carter, who clearly missed his new BFF, the world’s deadliest, sharpest and funniest dance partner, Ms Karen Byrne. We know this because he later told us how much he, erm, missed his new BFF, even after doing his dance bit. He also told us how much he missed Ballyfermot (Byrne’s hometown). Jeez, Dancing with the Stars, would you ever stop ruining lives and give the man back his Ballyer Bestie?


5) Bryan and Ryan are going to fight after school…

Anna Geary’s partner for the night, Mr Ryan McShane, wasn’t too happy at Geary receiving another surprisingly critical round of comments (well, she is one of the best dancers in the competition). So, y’know, Ryan went for it. He went for Judge Brian (with his words, we mean). “I think she’s being undermarked, every week”, said Ryan. Uh oh. Shots fired, lads. Brian hit back hard. “That’s the thing about opinions, isn’t it? You know what they say about them?” Ah here, leave it out. Later, Nicky asked Ryan if he needed a minute. The Dancing with the Stars honeymoon period is over. 


6) Julian is the King of the Unintentional Innuendo…

“Jake, that was one super sexy, switch-up samba!” declared the best-dressed judge at the table, after Jake Carter’s samba routine. “What I love about you is you sell it!” he continued. “You gave me great head, great face, all through the body – “ Wait, what the heck did Jules just say? Did – did he just say what we think he said? You know what we’re talking about. The folks on Twitter caught it, too. Oh wow. Julian’s fellow judge, Loraine, could hardly contain herself. Jake almost let the chuckles get the better of him. We might just have to leave that there, for now. Let’s keep this PG, shall we? 


Bonus Lesson: Deirdre O’Kane might win this thing…

Deirdre’s Wuthering Heights offering was a knockout - plain and simple. It also scored well with the judges (an impressive 26 with her new partner, Vitali – placing her second). We have a new favourite…

DWTS: Jake and Valeria set floor on fire as Marty earns his dance badge

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