Love Island 2019: The shamrock worked, lads – Greg and Amber won Love Island 2019!
And nooow, the end is heeeere... and so we face, the final flirtin'... Thank you, ah, thank you very much – I've been here all week for the last eight weeks and now it's time for our final hurrah! Can you believe it, eight weeks of our lives. Gone. Forever. And hasn't it been enriched forevermore by all our finalists?! But first...
All the remaining islanders kicked off tonight's finale doing a saucy salsa in now't but their scanties. Even seasoned salsa sort Curtis had to endure the dance lesson.
That's like taking a fabled grandmother who sucks eggs, and getting someone else to show her how to suck eggs – such as Tommy Fury.
He sucks eggs on account of him being a professional boxer. Unfortunately for him, he also sucks at dancing – despite having a dance lesson courtesy of professional dancer, Curtis Pritchard...
Enough of the circles. Tonight, we were treated to a full 90 minutes of Love Island, most of it live. However, it was inter-spliced with footage from the last 24 hours, so there was a salsa dance class and some dress wear shopping.
This was followed by all our finalists – suited and booted – fawning over each other, telling each other how to live their lives, and generally forgetting that the outside world exists.
THE WRITTEN DECLARATIONS OF LUUUURVE...
Consider it the mid-summer assignment for our finalists, but read by nervous sorts in full three-piece suits. Meanwhile, the girls sported various assortments of bonbons.
I was cringing so hard from, well, all the cringing that I could barely type what each person said. However, one must prevail.
Curtis said: “Once upon a time, there was a man on a journey. He had one goal in mind on his journey of crazy events. That goal, was to find a princess. This princess wasn’t just any princess, she was the most beautiful princess in all the lands…” ZZZzzzzzzz
Maura responded: “Curtis. Here before you, I stand a very different woman, to the one who walked in da villa seven weeks ago. I had to spend my first few weeks watching somebody else fall in love with you, when all I really wanted was it to be me you were dancing wih'...”
Ovie, first paid homage to "little sister" Amber – before moving on to say "Since you took me on that first breakfast date, the good energy hasn’t stopped.”
India replied: “I think we can all see that you were carved by angels. I couldn’t have prepared myself for what comes with it. You are so kind, caring and considerate. You’ve proven to me that chivalry isn’t dead…”
Moving on, Greg wrote a poem... HE. WROTE. A. POEM. “I’m going to keep this short and sweet, just like when we first came to meet. Up in the Hideaway sheltered from the trouble, we instantly connected and formed our own little bubble…” Lastly, he played homage to her "wonderful ass". PREACH.
Amber responded in kind: "It would be fair to say that I’ve had quite a journey in the villa this summer. There have been so many highs and then some lows, but then along came Greg. Thank you for helping to build me back up. You’ve always been so sweet and lovely to me and you’ve managed to bring out my soft side…”
It does exist, lads!
Tommy kept banging on about perfect girls lurking in hot tub corners. He did say he would love Molly til the day he died, which was lovely. Molly-Mae then responded with so much cry face it was tricky deciphering it. What happened next? They all jumped very gracefully into the pool. Amber just about made it.
TO THE WINNERS...
The couple in fourth place was... CURTIS AND MAURA. Feckin' hell, Maura deserved at least 'turd', no? Damn you for not letting the Irish vote! Curtis said he learned a lot about himself – so did we, mate. Then he went on to say that his head doesn't get turned – until Jourdan came in, that is. Meanwhile, Maura revealed she was after Michael initially? Who knew??!?
The couple in third place was... OVIE AND INDIA. Ovie, talking how he came across from Casa Amor with Anna, said "It was cool... it was right to give it (that being Anna and Jordan) space, I'm not going to force myself on anyone... It is what it is."
As for India's highlight? Ovie hauling her around a makeshift building site in a wheelbarrow. Their bedroom antics are going to be, well, industrial.
The couple in second place was... Tommy and Molly-Mae. They just don't have the onscreen chemistry of Amber and Greg. Tommy's pearls of wisdom included "I packed one pair of trainers coming in here" and "I was eating a bucket of mayonnaise a day during Casa Amor..."
As for people thinking Molly-Mae was fake during her time there, her response was "It's hard to hear, like, literally, like, like, like, frustrating, we're just, like, so happy."
As for the next step? They're moving in together, because a reality TV show is the next port of call for an Instagrammer. Sorry, I know it sounds harsh, but I'm beyond caring at this point – literally!
AND THE WINNERS ARE – Amber and Greg!!!!! YAAAAS! Amber loves his energy and so do viewers. In short, she had to build a connection with Michael but with Greg, it was instant. And, while it may be the large glass of wine I've horsed into, or just general delirium, but this ole hack just can't stop smiling while typing this schmaltz. Love them as a couple.
As for who took the full £50,000 is incidental. Greg was always going to be a gentleman – he got the full £50,000, which he (of course) split with Amber. G'WAN, YA BOYAH!!!
• Greg saying about Curtis "Man can move for a big fellah" – before reverse twerking upside down against a fence. You had to be there. If fact, you can be...
• WHO IN THE NAME OF JAYSIS PUT AMBER IN THAT SPANGLY CATSUIT?! She looked like a Waterford Crystal vase on Viagra. On the upside, she was wearing her lucky shamrock :)
• Can someone please, for the love of GAWD, teach next year's contestants how to open a budget bottle of Cava without taking someone's eye out?
• Let's face it, most of us are here for the Greg. So, fill yisser boots...
There is nothing tomorrow night... Sorry. It's over. There's Love Island USA??..... *tumbleweeds*. OK. well, at least we'll always have upside down twerkie Greg.
Love Island continues on Virgin Media Two and ITV2 – January 2020, lads.