Colin Farrel Vs Pierce Brosnan and 7 more Irish Celebrity Deathmatch bouts we want to see on MTV
I recently had an argument about which was the greatest decade for popular culture, and plumped for the 1990s. The Simpsons, Twin Peaks, Northern Exposure, grunge, electronica, Goodfellas, Se7en, Point Break, Beavis and Butthead…that decade had it all, man.
And nothing shone brighter than Celebrity Deathmatch, the hilarious claymation comedy which featured our favourite stars tearing each other limb from limb, to the droll commentary of Johnny Gomez and his moronic sidekick, Nick Diamond. (Yeah, I know it ran until 2002, and was resurrected briefly in 2006 – but in my memory, Celebrity Deathmatch will forever be associated with the nineties.)
And now it’s returned once more, with MTV2 commissioning a new series. This has made me – what’s the opposite of “apoplectic with anger”? Whatever: I’m very happy, essentially.
To mark this momentous development in Western history, why not stock up on beer and get ready for bone-busting action, as we suggest some potential Irish celebrity deathmatches and how they might play out…
Colin Farrell vs Pierce Brosnan
Farrell – channelling his character from Intermission – strolls into the ring, puffing on ten cigarettes, scratching himself and swearing worse than a marine with Tourette’s.
Brosnan slips off his classically tailored tweed jacket and clears his throat as a polite way of letting his opponent know he’s there.
The Farreller gargles back a keg of Guinness and bellows, “C’mere, ya feckin’ b****d, gerrourovit will ya?” He charges Brosnan, head down, like a bison genetically spliced with a lowlife on amphetamines.
Brosnan calmly spears Farrell through the skull with his umbrella, then smiles wryly and finds a quiet place to finish reading the Observer.
Pat Kenny vs Enda Kenny
Pat and Enda face each other. Referee Mills Lane does his “Let’s get it on!” thing, and both men begin the oddly robotic twitching, head-tilting and eyebrow-knitting which is their trademark.
Pat asks a tricky question about the ECB. Enda parries by redirecting the discussion towards the Croke Park Agreement.
Enda tries an “If you’d let me finish” uppercut. Pat blocks with “You agreed to appear on this programme, Taoiseach”.
Still no actual violence or bloodshed. Fans doze off as the cyber-Kennys grind out a draw of total binary perfection.
Linda Martin vs Amy Huberman
This was originally billed as “Linda Martin vs Everyone Else in the World”, but they couldn’t find a venue large enough.
Huberman is nominated to represent the human race, and shows a surprising steeliness and ruthlessness behind the sweet smile.
She does this specifically by chainsawing Linda’s head off and booting it (in a manner that would make BOD proud) into orbit, chuckling, “Flight’s on time, b****!”. Linda dolefully asks, “Why me?”.
Brian McFadden vs Brian Ormond
Embittered at Ormond becoming the marginally more famous of the two Brians, McFadden challenges his namesake to a deathmatch.
Ormond notices how much bigger the other fella is, so tags Brian Hayes into the ring. The diminutive Fine Gael man proves surprisingly adept at capoeira and jeet-kune-do.
After one too many kicks to the unmentionables, McFadden tags in Brian O’Driscoll.
Ormond responds with Brian Friel. Soon Brian Kennedy, Dowling, Cody and more are piling into the fight, in a Brian-centric version of the Burly Brawl in The Matrix. “Whoa – I know kung-fu,” says Brian Neo.
Saoirse Ronan vs Mary Lou McDonald
It's a draw and a rematch is necessary but Mary Lou is having none of it and accuses organisers of “having an agenda” and “trying to disrupt the Peace Process”, then challenges the head of Irish Water to a deathmatch.
Daniel Day-Lewis vs Ryan Tubridy
The Oscar-winning titan prepares for the bout with a full Method approach: he travels back in time to when he was 30, then spends two decades training and competing as a professional boxer.
By the time he reaches 2015 again, Daniel Day is a lean, mean, fighting machine. But not quite as lean as Tubs, who’s literally too narrow for Day Lewis to punch properly.
Once his opponent is tired out, Tubs smothers him with a Late-Late Christmas jumper before applying the coup de grace: decapitation with a CD of Ol’ Blue Eyes is Back: Greatest Lounge Music Hits Volume IV.
Tommy Tiernan vs Joan Burton
The Meath comedian refuses to leave his corner, describing it as “an experiment in challenging the audience’s expectations. I’m not some performing monkey, I’m a serious artist!”.
Joan slaps him silly with a copy of new legislation on tax credits for families of five earning up to and including €35,000 per annum. Then she bores him into final submission by droning on about it at length.
Bono vs all of Crystal Swing
Bono struts into the ring with all the swagger of a man whose ego is large enough to have convinced him he can take on three opponents at once.
He begins humming an old blues song and assumes the “Crane” karate stance. It all goes wrong when he gets mesmerised by the wobbly legs of the daft fella out of Crystal Swing, allowing the mother her chance to nip in and whack Bono in the crotch with her Casio keyboard.
The U2 legend wails – in a higher-pitched falsetto than usual – “I feel numb…”