CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER
3e, MON-FRI, 9pm
Every now and then a programme comes along which makes you ponder the futility of human existence.
Yes, yes. I know. We've put men on the moon - well, I'm pretty certain we did, but there's a guy on the internet who is convinced otherwise.
We've created the kind of technologies which, only a generation ago, were the stuff of science fiction - let's face it, the idea of being able to pick up a hand-held device and press a few buttons and then be able to both see and talk to someone in real time when they're on the other side of the world is like something from Star Trek.
In fact, if we assume that we are alone in the universe - and what a truly horrifying thought that is - then we can argue that humanity is the finest life form that has ever existed anywhere in the cosmos.
We're the only species to travel off-planet. We're the only species able to peer into the solar system. We're the only species to be able to cure so many diseases using our own ingenuity and curiosity.
But before we dislocate our shoulders while giving ourselves a big pat on the back, we should also consider one other fact - we're the only species to create something like Celebrity Big Brother.
Yeah, not feeling such smarty pants now, are yis?
The annual reminder that our culture shall soon turn to unlamented dust is back on our screens and once again I begin to sympathise with those Zero Population Growth types who think it would be better if we all just stopped breeding and left the planet to its own devices.
It's not so much that it's bad, although obviously it's the worst thing on television.
No, my resentment stems from the fact that I am now one of those guys who thinks Spencer Pratt is funny and potentially the most evil, mischievous genius to ever appear on our screens.
The 'Frank' Underwood of reality TV has swaggered into this year's show with an almost manic desire to drive as many of his fellow contestants - I simply refuse to call them 'housemates' - to a nervous breakdown. That would normally, obviously, be a terrible thing to do to anybody. But in this context it almost feels like a public service.
The person we should reserve most sympathy for is undoubtedly Calum Best. The former wild child has proved over the years to be a pretty good egg, actually, even though nobody, including himself, seems to know what it is he does for a living.
But bringing his mother, Angie Best, into the house was just bloody cruel. Would you want your ma watching your every move?
No what this show needs is some intellectual rigour.
Expect Jedward to join tonight, so.