Saturday 14 December 2019

Pippa's fella gets bum deal

Pippa Middleton
Pippa Middleton
Ivanka Trump

Julia Molony

Last time we saw Pippa Middleton take a walk up the aisle (at the royal wedding in 2011) her arse caused such a media sensation that it upstaged the bride.

So 2017 will no doubt see a big and noisy comeback for the global media phenomenon that is the younger Middleton's backside.

Perhaps her rear end's Twitter account - having lain idle for months now - will even be reactivated. Because one of the world's most celebrated posteriors is preparing for its new moment in the spotlight.

Yes, this year is the one in which the world will watch 33-year-old Pippa approach the altar again - this time at her own wedding to 41-year-old financier James Matthews.

According to the tabloids, a date has been set in May for the event of the year, which we expect will attract all the media interest of an actual royal wedding, and contain all of the ambition and intrigue that only a Middleton family bash can muster.

Latest reports suggest that tentative plans for the day are surprisingly restrained and evenlow key, with the bride apparently choosing to take her vows in the village church local to the family, while the reception to be held at the family home.

Little else is, as yet, known about the specifics currently in train for the big day - though one "close" friend did speak to one of the tabloids, revealing: "Her mum has been very involved in all the wedding planning and she wants to show off their house to all their friends."

Suffice to say, the Middleton Momager is on the case. James would be best advised to stand back and surrender control of this one.

We'll be all eyes as Ivanka sweeps into Washington

Sarah Caden

Ivanka Trump

Remember Patti Davis? She was Ronald Reagan's daughter and possibly the most mortifying First Daughter in history. Patti went by her mother Nancy's maiden name in order to distance herself from her father. Then she spent most of his time as president drawing attention to herself, not least by appearing on the cover of - and, yes indeed, inside - Playboy magazine.

Patti was probably the most attention-seeking First Daughter to date, but maybe we ain't seen nothing yet. When Donald Trump is sworn in as POTUS in a few weeks' time, it's not his third wife, Melania, who will become the woman of the White House, it seems, but his daughter, Ivanka.

It has already been reported that Ivanka will take the office in the East Wing traditionally reserved for the First Lady, but it's as yet unclear what she'll do there. The Donald infamously said - and meant it as the ultimate compliment - that if she wasn't his daughter, he'd make a pass at Ivanka, and now she appears to be his choice of female partner. Soignee and sophisticated, Ivanka will serve to soften the edges of her father's image. Patti Davis as First Daughter was far more fun.

Plastic Paddies are green with envy! Rightly so

Anne Marie Scanlon

Every March 17 in America people who have only the vaguest notion of where Ireland is and couldn't tell a shamrock from a shillelagh, drink green beer, eat green bagels with green cream cheese and wear green T-shirts bearing the immortal phrase "Kiss Me I'm Irish" before catching a dose of "Irish Flu" on March 18 and then forgetting all about the Emerald Isle for the next 12 months.

By St Patrick's Day 2017 everyone and his dog will want to be Irish. From the dissidents fleeing from The Bigly and Yuge Empire of The Donald to Brexit-fearing Brits, unearthing an Irish Granny will be a matter of urgency. Forget the Louis Vuitton handbag, a 'green' passport will be the most sought-after accessory in the world. But will we make the most of it and finally shake off the Punch stereotype of thicko, dirty, priest-licking peasants? More importantly, will we put a premium on the price of being Irish and up the charges for new passports? We should, these Paddy Come Latelys ought to know that being Irish costs.

Buckle up for Mick in 2017

Pat Fitzpatrick

The Brits went for Brexit, the Yanks went for Trump. That madness could never happen here, apparently.

We've never done anything crazy at the ballot box, says the nation that voted against divorce and for Charlie Haughey in our time. 2017 could be our rude awakening. The reality of Brexit coupled with public-sector pay claims will set the stage for a genuinely new politics. (As against the current new politics, which seems to involve Fianna Fail running the country on the sly.)

It's wide open for an opinionated egomaniac with a flair for social media. Anyone who thinks we lack a suitable candidate has never seen a Ryanair ad. Let's meet in a year's time and see if "that kind of thing could happen here". We could also discuss the upcoming meeting between Donald Trump and Michael O'Leary. In the White House. On Patrick's Day 2018. That's where we're heading, folks. Buckle up!

Voters remain polls apart

Eilis O'Hanlon

Remember last year's general election? The rows and the rancour? The barneys and the bust-ups? And that was just inside the various camps, never mind between rival parties. Well, get set to go through it all again. Come on, we all know there's going to be another election. This Government is shakier than a Sumo wrestler on a trestle table, and the Irish relish an election more than Elizabeth Taylor loved the taste of wedding cake. Put those two factors together, and a new poll becomes inevitable. Not that an election will change anything. The Irish people will speak, and the politicians will once again listen and ask: "Sorry, lads, could you say that again? We're not really sure what you meant." Either that or we'll settle this mess with a nice game of rock/paper/scissors. I know which I'd prefer.

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