Tuesday 12 December 2017

People are talking: This Noel, go easy on the Adele

Angsty: Noel Gallagher says Adele's music is strictly
Angsty: Noel Gallagher says Adele's music is strictly "for grannies", but everyone knows it's for drunken karaoke.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West
Will Ferrell
Donal Lynch

Donal Lynch

Everyone seems to be having a go at Adele lately. Phil Collins called her a "slippery fish" after she came to her senses and decided not to collaborate with him. Lionel Richie is saying he thought about suing her for using the word Hello, which as historians might be able to confirm, was invented by Richie as a method of indicating to the listener "you are about to be bathed in syrupy '80s music."

But then, this week, came the unkindest cut of all. Noel Gallagher, he of Oasis fame, said that music's giggliest superstar makes "cheesy music for f**king grannies".

We don't want to cast any aspersions on Noel Gallagher's granny, who is probably lovely, but unless she enjoys sitting around weepily mooning over exes while sloshing copious amounts of red wine down her, then we fail to see how Adele's music is for her.

Other uses for Adele's music might include: a soundtrack to stalking your ex on Facebook while fantasising about spurning him if he ever came crawling; drunken karaoke at the office party as you serenade that guy from accounts you've had your eye on all year, or doing shots while beating yourself into an LBD.

To be more accurate about it, Noel might have been better off saying that her music is "not for people on f**king antibiotics" or "not for people who are prone to get a bit weepy even without booze and ballads" or "not for girls who already spend Friday night instagramming pics of their cats".

Or he might have said that it's only for people who can't stand James Bond but quite liked the Skyfall soundtrack. But leave poor granny out of it. If she's with it enough to be singing along to the biggest star in the world she's doing quite well, if you ask us. And Noel might do well to remember that when he just took a pile of money from John Lewis so they could use one of his songs in their Christmas ad, it kind of disbarred him from presenting himself as any kind of arbiter of what's cool.

Enjoy one last laugh at Trump

Donald Trump has funny hair. During his presidential bid, many of us have sniggered at his outrageousness, safe in the knowledge that he has as much chance of ever ending up in the Oval Office as Louis Walsh.

The joke is on us as Trumps is being taken seriously by his growing band of supporters. His declaration that there should be a ban on all Muslims from entering the US has provoked a firestorm. Some British MPs have labelled him a "hate preacher" while a petition to ban him from the UK has immense support. (All a bit #awks diplomatically.)

The Donald is hard to upstage, but master of 'personality politics' Boris Johnson schooled him. Trump said this week that some parts of London were no-go areas for police due to "radicalisation". Boris replied that there were some areas of New York he would avoid due to the "real risk of meeting Donald Trump". That's probably the last hoot we'll get out of Trump. His hair is still funny, but so was Hitler's moustache. It's time to stop laughing.

Anne Marie Scanlon

Will Saint behave like one?

His dad goes by the name of Yeezus, and once released a song called I Am A God, so maybe if Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's little boy had been born on his predicted due date of December 25, they would have been tempted to go the whole hog and name him Messiah. Or Mezziyah. Or something.

After all, divinity does traditionally tend to run in families. But the son of Kim and Kanye (they already have a two-year-old daughter named North) turned up a couple of weeks early, so it was a saint, (weighing in at 8lb 1oz) and not a deity that joined the Kardashian-West clan this week. Which is to say that the couple have named their son Saint. This confirms that Kim is not in fact the Virgin Mary. Though whether Kanye actually believes himself to be Our Lord remains firmly up for discussion.

At the time of going to press, the child was not in line to be officially canonised, and remains unlikely to be (not least because this tends to happen after the holy person in question has died).

And poor Saint will have a lot to live up to with a name like that. We'll be expecting, if not actual miracles, then at least extremely good behaviour. Maybe with a toddler already on her hands, naming the new one Saint is just a spot of wishful thinking on Kim's part.

Julia Molony

Investigating the obvious

Pass the smelling salts, matron. Apparently some of Ireland's local councillors may be less than 100pc honest.

Who'd have thunk it?

The shocking truth was revealed this week by a special RTE Investigates probe, which went undercover to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that if you dangle a carrot in front of enough donkeys, eventually one or two of the silly asses will bite.

Rumour has it that RTE was originally planning to run an exposé on the hundreds of hard-working public representatives up and down the country quietly getting on with the job that they were elected to do, until someone in the newsroom laughed and pointed out: "Come on, lads, who'd want to watch a programme like that?"

The councillors named on national TV have variously denied or defended their actions, including one former Fine Gaeler who claims he was only "taking the p***" by agreeing to go along with it.

God loves a trier, so it would be churlish not to wish the aforementioned Hugh McElvaney all the best, but a source in Paddy Power confirms there has not so far been a surge of bets on him getting away with that one. For RTE's sake, let's just hope it all stacks up, because the last time they made a mistake it ended up costing the station millions after wrongly accusing an Irish priest in Africa of taking that whole "missionary position" thing a bit too literally.

Eilis O'Hanlon

Ireland loves Scobie Ferrell

Will Ferrell seems to know what makes us tick. Every time he pays us a visit, Will performs extraordinary acts of Irish soundness. We should give him a local nickname. Ferrello sounds a bit Italian. Maybe we should just give him the soundest nickname in all of Ireland. Scobie Ferrell, that's got a nice ring to it.

He set the tone back in 2008 when he went to the Midlands and ended up at a house party in Longford. We've all been there. (A house party, if not Longford.) He also accepted the James Joyce award in UCD wearing an Irish rugby kit. That's how in tune he is with life over here. He somehow knew that students in UCD would never have seen the Irish soccer kit before. Legend. This week he was at it again, pinting around Dublin with Mark Wahlberg. If you didn't manage to get a selfie with one or both of them, we feel sorry for you. Mark said some nice things about coming back again for holidays, but in fairness they all say that.

Scobie Ferrell knew better. He told stories about how friendly we are, particularly after drink. He even said this on The Late Late Show in case we missed it. That's how sound he is. There is a lesson here for the US presidential candidates. They will be full of the old plamas next year in an attempt to make nice with the Irish-American voters. There is only one thing they need to bear in mind. Be like Scobie Ferrell. Because that guy knows how to tickle our belly.

Pat Fitzpatrick

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