Wednesday 13 November 2019

People are talking: The forgotten Kardashian?

Bottoms up: David Cameron's 13th cousin shows the correct way to serve Champagne on the cover of Paper magazine last month
Bottoms up: David Cameron's 13th cousin shows the correct way to serve Champagne on the cover of Paper magazine last month
Wench magnet: Aiden Turner as Ross Poldark with Eleanor Tomlinson as Demelza in 'Poldark'
Donal Lynch

Donal Lynch

There has been widespread incredulity at the revelation by David Cameron that he and Kim Kardashian are "thirteenth cousins" (as revealed to Heat Magazine - the place PMs now go to begin their election pitch).

The widespread suspicion is that this is just like when we claimed to a gullible world that Obama was Irish - thirteenth cousins almost sounds like saying "as human beings we share some similar DNA". Or that it's David making a pathetic attempt to show he's down with the kids. But now that we think about it, maybe there are some similarities in the unique selling points of Kimmy and David.

She is of course famous for her intergalactic derriere which, according to recent images, dispenses champagne while defying the laws of gravity.

David Cameron may have no curves to speak of but he has been described as having a face like "a pair of buttocks onto which two eyes had been stapled" and he is often a massive arse. Kim broke the internet with the picture of her well-oiled body posed with backside out. David Cameron broke the electorate with the endless cuts he's made to public spending. Neither of them seem particularly human a lot of the time. And of course given that the revelation was in Heat Magazine both are now trying to hog the same trashy media.

Aiden’s amazing Poldark appeal

Fifteen minutes of fame? 

Even Andy Warhol couldn’t have anticipated the phenomenon of Aiden Turner — or as fans call him, the “gift that keeps on giving”.  The revamped Poldark starring the handsome young Dubliner in the titular role has been on screens a month and the fevered interest in the actor has yet to wane. 

In fact, with each passing week it gets more fevered — Turner is a hit with women of all ages, gay men and straight men.

 There is no demographic that the handsome actor doesn’t appeal to and there is no end to the public’s fascination with Turner’s amazing smile, his toned physique, his abundant curls and his Tricorn hat.

Author Marian Keyes produced a tongue-in-cheek Poldark Bingo card (spotting the clichés that are repeated weekly, such as ‘Ross gallops across a cliff’ ‘Ross takes his shirt off’) for her Twitter feed and it was promptly reproduced by a British weekly magazine. 

We should now prepare for a deluge of Poldark merchandise as canny businessmen are no doubt planning production of Poldark toothpaste and a range of ‘Head & Smoulders’ haircare products. 

Even Cheryl F-D, Queen of home haircare, would no doubt agree that our Aiden is “worth it”. 

As the campaign for the UK general election kicks off the major party leaders (who, let’s face it, are all pretty interchangeable) and would give anything for a fraction of Turner’s popularity, are probably assembling focus groups and spin doctors to try to access the ‘Poldark Effect’.

Mark our words, we could yet see at least one of them wearing breeches and a Tricorn hat. 

Anne Marie Scanlon

Ireland, it's the perfect place to find a hairy man

Do you reckon you can run and shout aargh! at the same time? Excellent. You’d make a great Viking. Don’t worry if you missed the auditions for the TV show, Vikings, during the week. Given the amount of slaughter that goes on, they’ll run out of extras soon enough. In the meantime, just work on your beard. (Particularly if you are a bloke.)

There were massive queues of hairy men for the audition in Temple Bar last Tuesday. Or maybe it was just a gang of hipsters hanging around, discussing the best place to buy odd-looking brown shoes. Either way, the producers must have been delighted with the array of wild-looking beardy boys at their disposal. It’s fair to say that the single greatest natural resource in Ireland right now is hairy men.

Just as Australia has an endless supply of rocks and minerals, we really are your one-stop shop for a hirsute gentleman. Irish men are like one giant tribute band to The Dubliners. This could be the final piece in the jigsaw as we head towards full employment. The movie and television opportunities aren’t just limited to shows about the Vikings. Where else are you going to look if you are planning a movie about 1970s Trades Union or the Taliban. (We’re not suggesting any similarity.  It would be a terrible slur on the Taliban.)

We should also be making a play for women around the world who like a bit of coverage in the chin area. Show a poster of Jamie Dornan with the tagline “Tickle your Fancy?” Dublin airport will be open 24/7 to cope with the demand. 

Pat Fitzpatrick

A proclamation once again

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Pull an April Fool’s Day prank, and chances are you’ll be laughing alone. This year brought the usual avalanche of lame gags, including a claim that the Spire was going to be taken down during next year’s centenary of the Rising. Well, hold my sides in case they split from hilarity. Then again, was that any dafter than Enda Kenny’s joke about wanting to rewrite the 1916 Proclamation? It was a joke, right? If so, the Taoiseach really needs to work on his timing, because he told it a day early, forcing handlers to jump in and “clarify” What Enda Really Meant. Namely, that he wasn’t rewriting the Proclamation personally, merely looking forward to Irish schoolchildren doing it for him as part of the 2016 celebrations. Yeah, like that idea is any better. Prepare for a repeat of the South Park episode where Eric Cartman travels back in time to 1776 and changes the US Declaration of Independence to include the words: “PS. Every Thursday should be Free Ice Cream Day.” Instead of worrying about some old bit of paper, we should probably just use 2016 as an opportunity to admit that this whole independence thing hasn’t really worked out the way we expected, and to invite someone else to take over for a while. The smart money’s on the Germans. As are the shiny jackboots. 

Eilis O’Hanlon

Tubs stands up for mankind

Ryan Tubridy is right. I’ve not had reason to utter such words before but I do now. Tubridy said on his radio show this week that he’d like it if a woman asked him out. It’s about time someone said so. Now Tubridy may not be Ireland’s best known feminist but if there’s more utterances like this week’s to come then he very may well be, well for me and all the other frustrated single men at least.

Betty Friedan wrote the Feminine Mystique over 50 years ago, imploring women to be independent and the equal of men, yet when it comes to dating some women are less Betty Friedan more Betty Draper,and are about as inclined to asking a man on a date as Jeremy Clarkson is to joining Greenpeace and becoming a vegan. 

Worse still, when it comes to paying for dinner and drinks, some women seem to have very short arms and very long pockets. And don’t even get me started on taxis.

The dating scene can be tough for men, too much is unjustly put on us. Too many ‘independent’ women want to depend on us. They want us to treat them like it’s 2015 but when it comes to dating they want us to pretend like it’s 1955. There are cake-eating sex-addicted bisexuals who think that’s having it too many ways.

For the sake of equality, it’s about time some women grew longer arms and asked us whether we fancied the early bird special. Some roses wouldn’t go amiss either.

Christopher Jackson

One's staff are revolting

For centuries, the British Royal Family have been regularly inconvenienced by the pesky problem of peasants in revolt. They might not refer to the British public as peasants any more, but it does seem as if the Monarchy are still having a spot of bother with their subjects.

What a blow to The Firm’s touchy feely modern image it was, when workers at Windsor Castle threatened to strike this week, complaining of the hardships of working at below a “living wage” and the “appalling” rates of pay they receive. Uniformed staff at Windsor castle are paid as little as £14,400 per year, and have warned that they plan the first ever industrial action against the Royal Collection Trust at the end of April, if their hallowed employees don’t dig deeper into the coffers. That means no more unpaid overtime. (Apparently Castle staff are regularly expected to put in extra hours for free.)

 Kings and Queens might not have the best track record, historically speaking, in the areas of equal opportunities and fair pay, but you’d imagine Windsor 2.0, with it’s commoner princess and progressive values, might be beyond the days of working the servants to the bone for pittance. But at least the staff can take comfort in the fact that complaining is unlikely to get them thrown into the dungeon these days.

Julia Molony

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