Tuesday 20 February 2018

People are talking: Sex with someone she loves

Role model: Gwyneth Paltrow.
Role model: Gwyneth Paltrow.
Taylor Swift with the award
Donal Lynch

Donal Lynch

'Of couuuurse", we thought, when we heard that Gwyneth Paltrow was moving into sex toys and whatnot. "Goop was obviously all along intended to be a brand name for lubricant." We could even have written the ad copy for her. "From someone who knows about friction in relationships." With ad music by Coldplay obvs. We were, it's safe to say, breathless with excitement imagining what manner of ancient foreplay rituals and feng shui-aligning dildos Gwyneth Paltrow had in store for us. After all, her lifestyle website has brought us beauty products blessed with healing and chocolate spirit truffles and basically, everything you could imagine Eddie from Ab Fab scoffing to get in the mood (before passing out on her Eskimo birthing rag).

And she didn't disappoint. You probably didn't know you wanted a solid gold dildo but now you do. It's €15,000 PS, for which money you could surely film your own porn movie and have sex with the entire cast after but let's not - in the words of Mr Burns from The Simpsons - sully this beautiful moment with price taggery. The New York Post's take on the whole thing was that it proved that sex with Gwyneth must be really terrible but we say that's jumping to conclusions. We say it's more likely that she doesn't put a price on a great orgasm. And dildos are more likely to suggest that Gwynnie, in her infinite wisdom, prefers to have sex with someone she really loves. And given what a role model she is, who could object to that?

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Super Minister!

Eilis O'Hanlon

All eyes were on the Dail last week as the Cabinet took shape, but one puzzle remains: What is a Super Junior Minister anyway? Is it some new type of superhero?

In another room, Joan Burton was stepping down as Labour leader. There's no word yet on who will succeed her, but sources suggest Alan Kelly wants it settled on a testosterone count, as he has more of it than any Irishman ever. Including Roy Keane.

Amid the fuss, the biggest story in Irish politics was missed, mainly because it happened up north, and the North and South are so bored with each other that they can't even be bothered Facebook-stalking anymore.

The news was that veteran journalist Eamonn McCann had been elected to the Stormont Assembly.

What an awful precedent. People will now expect those of us who make a living spouting off about issues to back this up by putting ourselves to the test and standing for election too. That's the last thing we need. Eamo should take one for the team and resign immediately.

There's something  I like about Taylor

Christopher Jackson

Taylor Swift should be easy to dislike, when I think about it. First off, she's pretty much the opposite of the American Dream. She's not like music mogul Jay Z, who survived three shootings and sold his own CDs from his car boot. Nor is she like country music legend Dolly Parton, who grew up in a one-room shack with eleven siblings. Nope, Swift's very rich dad eased her way into the music industry. Hardly a rags-to-riches story.

Second, a lot of her biggest hits are about her exes. Now maybe guys like John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal and Harry Styles are douchebags, but then maybe they're not (maybe Swift is?). But either way, it doesn't really matter, in the minds of her millions of fans they're probably pretty bad.

Finally, Swift received an award this week for 'artistic talent and influence'. The name of it, The Taylor Swift Award. Call me old-fashioned but I think a sycophant's nose can only go so far up its ass, although Swift, who gladly accepted her own award, doesn't seem to think so. You know, I really should dislike Taylor Swift but I don't. There's just something about her, something that makes her such a star.

Rainy Donegal, please God

Pat Fitzpatrick

Here is how the deal is supposed to work: The rest of the country gets what's going of the sunshine. Donegal gets the hills, the coast and an outside shot at the All-Ireland. As an extra sweetener, the locals get a super-sexy accent that should be regulated for reasons of public morality. (Why did you go off with this man? He sounded like Shay Given).

What Donegal is not supposed to get is a run of 22 degrees and sunshine in May. Not when the rest of us are Googling 'Move to Spain because we can't take it anymore.' But that's exactly what happened this week. The top-left corner of the weather map was yellow and bright. Everything below Mullingar was abandon-all-hope. This isn't how the deal is supposed to work.

There is only one solution. Danny Healy-Rae. He should have a quick word with his friend God and order up a month of rain for Donegal. Sorry, but that's the deal.

Hipsters are milking it

Will Hanafin

You've probably seen gangs of misunderstood hipsters roaming your neighbourhood looking for an acceptable flat latte. They look like contestants from the annual Charles Stewart Parnell lookalike competition with their bushy beards and top-to-toe tweed, and that's just the girls.

The latest hipster headline is that they're responsible for bringing back the milk round as they prefer craft milk in glass bottles.

The hipster epicentre is Shoreditch in London and salt of the earth dairies are reporting that they're run off their feet delivering milk in glass bottles to tech start ups, cereal cafes and trendy shoe shops.

Honestly, it's time to act your age not your beard size fogies!

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