Tuesday 22 May 2018

People are talking: Is Janet about to usher in the next generation of the Jackson Five?

Janet Jackson
Janet Jackson
Michaella McCollum.
Donal Lynch

Donal Lynch

The most dangerous and difficult game known to man - more mind bogglingly fraught by far than, say, Russian roulette or 'pick a Taoiseach you won't hate in four years' - is undoubtedly 'pregnant or fat?'

One false move, one errant congratulations, and you're a dead man. Given the amount of press attention paid to Janet Jackson's yo-yoing weight over the years, it's also safe to say a fair few people would have lost the game with her before they began. So we were thrilled to see that at the somewhat advanced age of 49, the Rhythm Nation star is indeed with child.

This warms the heart, because, if Michael's three have any note in their heads at all, it means we're only one bespoke conception away from the next generation of the Jackson Five. While our backs were turned it seems Janet, left, also married an actual billionaire. Who's as handsome as the sun. So it's fair to say that she has already won all the games you can name.

Michaella's new look is the ultimate get-out-of-jail card

Pat Fitzpatrick

Forget about the bun. Forget about the RTE interview that could be summed with "Would it be fair to say, Michaella, that you are an incredible person?" Forget about the fact that it looked like Michaella had read a guide called How to Dress like a Trainee Accountant. Here is what half the audience were thinking during that infamous interview: "Michaella McCollum, you're kind of hot." 

Men aren't allowed to admit this in public in case women don't take them seriously. But it's the truth. Like any other blokes, Irish men like a whiff of mystery around their women. And nobody is sure what to make of Michaella right now. She chose a demure white and black look for the interview. It was like the outfit a nun would wear on an away day. Compare this to the pouty bikini shots in the newspapers from her pre drug-mule days in Ibiza, and men don't know what to think. That's just the way we like it.

As if that wasn't bad enough, she's got a Northern Ireland accent. Irish people will forgive almost anyone as long as they have a Northern Ireland accent. (Just ask Gerry Adams.)

Let's not rush into a 33rd Dail

Eilis O'Hanlon

When it comes to the prospect of another election, TDs are dropping hints like Cheryl Fernandez-Versini drops dress sizes. Health Minister Leo Varadkar even posted a picture on Twitter last  week showing a pile of his recent posters "cleaned, counted, stored, and ready to be deployed". You tease, you.

Then came news that the Department of the Environment was set to place an order for four million new polling cards… just in case, you know?

Yeah, right.

A second election would be a shame, considering how we're all starting to realise that life without a government isn't so terrible.

The street lamps still turn on when it gets dark. The shops are still open. The Luas is still running… well, OK, maybe not that one, but you get the point.

Are politicians secretly terrified that, if they stop hogging the limelight, we'll finally realise we don't need the useless chancers at all?

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