Monday 11 December 2017

People are talking: Cate let slip her fantasy in Lord of the Flings ...

Naughty: Cate Blanchett admitted she would like to get more than up close and personal with co-star Viggo Mortensen during a game of Shag, Marry or Kill on live TV.
Naughty: Cate Blanchett admitted she would like to get more than up close and personal with co-star Viggo Mortensen during a game of Shag, Marry or Kill on live TV.
Shane Filan, formerly of Westlife.
Wooden: Michael Noonan
Hillary Clinton

Julia Molony

Cate Blanchett has got talent, looks and an Oscar on her mantelpiece. She's also, it's a relief to see, got a sensible head on her shoulders and impeccable taste.

How do we know? Last week Cate was recruited into a game of Shag, Marry or Kill while making an appearance on the American Talk Show Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, in which she was required, naturally, to envision an episode of Lord Of the Rings -themed fictional copulation.

Amongst her co-stars in the Peter Jackson film-franchise, she was given the choice to shag either: hobbit Elijah Wood, fellow Elf Orlando Bloom or the red-blooded leader of The Fellowship of the Ring, Aragorn, who from memory, People Are Talking believes to fall loosely under the genus of human - ethnically-speaking.

Without hesitation, Blanchett eschewed the options of congress with the hobbit or the elf. Which is not only utterly understandable but also probably forbidden according to the cultural conventions of Tolkien society. Or something. She wasn't asked whether it was the hobbit's hairy feet, or the elves unusual ears that put her off. But in any case, she plumped firmly for Aragon. "I'd shag Viggo Mortensen," she said with a conviction and lack of hesitation that may well have given her theatre director husband, Andrew Upton, a moment's pause.

To which PAT's only response, is: wouldn't we all, love. Wouldn't we all."

Get on your knees for the Boys  in Green

And a great fervour did sweep the land. The Irish found themselves back on their knees every Sunday, praying like Billio.

This wasn't like praying in the old days. Then you could fire out the Glory be to God at Mass while looking at the back of Nuala O'Reilly's head and wondering what she did with her hair. This new prayer was usually performed with eyes closed and hands clenched. It was always done while watching rugby.

As the match against Italy wore on two weeks ago, more and more of us found our hands joined together, seeking solace from the Big Man. And no, we don't mean George Hook. At half-time last Sunday, we asked for a miracle against the French. We got one and started to believe.

We know today's match will bring Irish people to their knees, crying 'Jesus I can barely watch.' A win and we're back on our knees again next Sunday, asking Himself to do us a favour against the Aussies. We will be back in the swing of begging for the important things in life. So join in and get down on your knees. And while you're down there, say a quick decade of the rosary for Wes Hoolahan's heel. We'd like to go on a pilgrimage to France next year.

Pat Fitzpatrick

Waterboarding or Westlife?

So that's probably the Middle East off the list as a tour stop for any future Westlife reunion then. The news that one of the band's many "syrupy" ballads was used by the CIA to torture a prisoner in Afghanistan provided a horrible answer to the question many asked when the Westies were at the peak of their powers: will anyone remember this music in years to come. Most of us probably still couldn't hum the track in question (My Love) which probably means either our hormones have settled down or we were so traumatised by the aural waterboarding we got the first time out that we've blocked it out, (but you don't see us running to the war crimes tribunal in The Hague.) But we can also probably all agree that this particular type of torture shows that the CIA still haven't learned their lessons about the effectiveness of torture as a tool for eliciting confessions.

Don't they know that we have way more torturous jingles in the YouTube memory bank? One blast of B*witched's C'est La Vie or Boyzone's Love Me For a Reason and those inmates will be begging for mercy. In fact we have enough crap pop to provide the soundtrack to the next few seasons of Homeland, if it comes to it. 

Donal Lynch

Giving away loot is no hoot

"Autumn in New York, why does it feel so inviting?"

Probably because, Mr Sinatra, you don't have to spend it here, arguing the toss over another Budget. It's a tradition which has become as much an essential part of this time of year as trick or treating or the return of Strictly Come Dancing - though considerably less entertaining than either. Even Daniel O'Donnell's Charleston wasn't as wooden as the Minister for Finance's performance in the Dail last week.

As for his appearance later on Six One News, had they deliberately made him sit on a spike or something? It doesn't hurt to smile, Minister, especially as this was supposed to be a feel good, giveaway Budget. Clearly the Limerick City TD's face didn't get the memo.

It was what happened afterwards that was really newsworthy, though. In an astonishing development which took seasoned political observers by shock, every single Government TD thought the Budget was supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, and every single Opposition TD thought it could be better summed up in a pithy word that's only four, rather than 34, letters long. Call us crazy, but you'd almost suspect there was an election coming up and they were all secretly thinking of their own seats rather than the country.

Eilis O'Hanlon

She hasn't gone away ... know!

The US presidential contest has resembled a one-horse race up to now with the wall-to-wall coverage Republican wannabe Donald Trump has managed to garner.

Instead of arguing about policy the candidates have spent the summer yapping on about building walls between America and Mexico and whether Trump's hair is real! Hillary Clinton has also been outflanked by her 70-something socialist leaning Democratic rival Bernie Saunders. But the first Democratic primary debate has now happened and it suddenly feels like the teacher is back in the unruly classroom.

Hillary Clinton has been an afterthought all year because The Donald has dominated proceedings so much. Clinton's media outings have been limited to questions about where she stores her emails.

But nobody puts Hillary in the corner and she really came out fighting during the Democratic debates. She managed to answer questions, which is refreshing for starters.

And after all those inquisitions about what's in her inbox she managed to be aggressive with her rivals and confident at the same time.

Now I really want Donald Trump to be the Republican candidate so I can see Hillary wiping the floor with him.

Will Hanafin

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