Tuesday 18 June 2019

Music: Planet Jedward by Jedward

John Meagher

John Meagher

If I was doling out stars for marketing rather than music, Jedward would be enjoying a five-star review. The Grimes brothers have been honed with freakish skill by the marketers, who have made them a force to be reckoned with for the pre-teen generation. Miley Cyrus has serious competition on her hands from these young Dubliners and there doesn't seem to be a product in existence that they won't lend their name to.

But while Cyrus does what she does with a certain élan, the cartoonish John and Edward have no discernable talent at all, save for a Stepfordesque ability to enthuse about everything and anything. Surely, a career in the slipstream of Ant and Dec is their's for the taking?

But back to the music -- a hastily recorded bunch of covers that no amount of buffing from occasional Take That producer Nigel Wright has been able to salvage. To put it in context, Ice Ice Baby (Under Pressure) -- their hideous hybrid version of Vanilla Ice and Queen/David Bowie -- is, by some distance, the best thing here.

Elsewhere, they murder Van Halen's Jump, the theme from Ghostbusters and Robbie Williams' Rock DJ. The less said about what these mammy's boys do with the once-raunchy I Like to Move It, the better. Suffice to say, it just sounds wrong. Very wrong.

The album topped the Irish chart this week, becoming this year's biggest "over the counter" seller to boot. Louis Walsh, their manager and mentor, will be enjoying swelled coffers once again. And good on him.

For those blessed with properly functioning ears, a dental drill boring into molars would make a more tolerable sound than Planet Jedward.

Burn it: In the traditional sense of the word, burn the entire thing

Irish Independent

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