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Wednesday 21 February 2018

Even the King's Speech will be cut for Oscars You've won says, Donal Lynch, don't rub people's faces in it

AS children who grew up, graduated college and emigrated all during Jodie Foster's epic acceptance speech after winning best actress for Silence of the Lambs, we broadly applaud the fact that this year's Oscar winners have been urged to "keep their speeches short" or they will be "drowned out by the orchestra".

Of course, there isn't an orchestra alive that could have stopped Jodie's biblical-length filibuster -- a machine gun might have done the trick -- but she's not up for anything this year. Now that the scourge of long speeches has been tackled may we suggest other things that victorious actors might bear in mind on their way to the podium.

Follow these three easy steps, and we won't hate you:

1. Please don't thank God. In case you hadn't noticed, there's a lot going on at the moment -- earthquakes, elections, the build-up to the royal wedding -- God has better things to do than make sure you get rewarded for looking ugly in a film.

2. Don't thank the other actors/actresses who lost. They are barely holding their "so happy for you" expression together for the cameras. If you really want to thank them then trip on the way to the podium and tear your dress open revealing your boob job scars. That is the only way they'll feel better.

3. Don't cry. We know you can cry on command -- you're an actress -- but like many actresses you won't weep believably on the podium. It's so hard to empathise with a woman wearing hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of clothes and jewellery. Watching her blub only makes it worse.

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