Thursday 14 December 2017

Kelly Brook's breasts are judged best in cup win

People are talking

Kelly Brook's nipples have been adjudged as models of feminine perfection
Kelly Brook's nipples have been adjudged as models of feminine perfection
Emma Watson

Congratulations are due this week, apparently to Kelly Brook, who has won the accolade of having scientifically proven "perfect breasts."

Yes, that's right, the good old-fashioned wet T-shirt competition has gone empirical, upgraded for our modern era in which science and online tabloids join forces for the noble purpose of providing women with a research-based approach to self-loathing and body anxiety.

Today's digitally delivered insecurity comes in the form of the "nipple meridian". According to respected plastic surgeon, Dr Malluci of the Royal Free and University College Hospital in London, the perfect breast should have 55pc of the breast above the line of the nipple and 45pc below. This proportion results in a nipple that points upwards at an angle of 20 degrees, an attribute that Dr Malluci has, in no way creepily, dubbed the beckoning breast. It's maths, stupid!

The perfect breast is not just one that produces milk and fills a bra, it must also be able to cheerfully summon people to approach, flag down passing cars, or call children to safety across a busy road. It must be capable of complex communication and instruction.

Take out a mirror and see how your nipple meridian measures up! Kelly Brook's nipple meridian can stop traffic. As can Kate Middleton's, we are reliably informed.

The only way this could be publicly known and discussed is thanks to the fact that Kate Middleton has, against her wishes, had her breasts photographed and published while on holiday. But do not let this disturbing detail put you off!

Perhaps, though Kate may have said a resounding no to the photographer who papped her (had she been given the chance), her breasts were actually beckoning him.

Julia Molony

Could someone  listen to Michael D?

Dear President Higgins,

Congratulations on your speech during the week, where you warned against repeating the mistakes of the last boom.  Unfortunately nobody was paying attention — we were too busy trying to figure out if we could afford a new BMW.

We were big fans of those kinds of speeches in the past. It’s fair to say we were dead set against materialism when we didn’t have a bob. Of course, that’s all changed now.

You wouldn’t say we are loaded yet. Leo Varadkar came out recently and said the budget tax changes would probably only give us an extra tenner. Leo is usually spot on about these things. But that’s the first tenner anyone has given us in ages. On top of that, the Financial Times ran an article saying we’re fantastic. You know yourself, Michael D, the way we go mad after a few kind words from the British press.

Keep making the anti-materialism speeches if you like. (Mary McAleese made similar noises during the last boom, and, in fairness, it didn’t do anyone any harm.) Just remember that we won’t be listening. The only thing we want to hear now is that some bank or other is re-introducing tracker mortgages. All the best, The People of Ireland. P.S. How much do you want for Aras an Uachtarain? We’re cash buyers and we’re not in a chain.

Pat Fitzpatrick

Purr majesty the queen

Was it the Queen purring? Or was that just the sound of the dial tone after she hung up on David Cameron? Or perhaps he was mistaken and she was snoring? Either way the monarch’s supposed expression of smug, Goldfinger-like satisfaction after learning the results of the Scottish referendum caused poor old gammon face to have to make an embarrassing and spluttering apology — sort of like an animal having its nose rubbed in the mess it’s made.

But it was too late. The internet doesn’t need much of an excuse to make with the cute cat pics — its second most favourite thing, after porn. Cue a million single women dusting off a million prom night tiaras, placing them on their cat for the evening and captioning the resultant pictures with things like “purr majesty will see you now.”

In fairness to Cameron, there are worse animals he could have connected Lizzie with. It wasn’t like he said she made a fool of herself by snorting with delight, Fergie style. He never claimed she did a full moggy impersonation, like George Galloway. And any politician-queen relationship should have a small element of sexual tension — there’s something about ‘The PM and the purring Queen’ that sounds like it could be a 50 Shades-style bestseller.

And it’s true, cats are fairly regal animals, but it’s just so hard to imagine HRH making such a noise. Short, sharp barks, yes. Hissing, perhaps. But purring? it would frighten the Corgis.

Donal  Lynch

Climate change for Enda

It would take a heart of stone not to laugh, as Oscar Wilde once said about the tragic death of Little Nell in The Old Curiosity Shop.

There Enda Kenny was, on the other side of the world, bravely sorting out global warming at some grandly titled and very important UN Leaders’ Summit, when suddenly he was facing a little bit of climate change of his very own back home as the political air turned decidedly chilly over one small Seanad seat.

Be reasonable, people. The Taoiseach’s trying to save the planet. He can’t be expected to bother with these piffling, insignificant local details. Except, well, he did, jumping in to give the nod and wink to John McNulty as nominee for the forthcoming Seanad by-election caused by the departure of MEP Deirdre Clune.

Some cried nepotism. Others detected sexism. Still more saw the spectacle of good old-fashioned “stroke” politics rearing its ugly head once more. Enda batted away criticism by declaring that this was just how the Blueshirts had always done things “down through the years”.

“Yeah,” replied the critics, “that’s the problem.” But by then Enda was a busy man again, off saving the world in another very important meeting with other very important people like President Obama, who responded with the timeless words: “Oh Jeez, is it St Patrick’s Day again already?”

This latest row may look bad, but think of the bigger picture. If there really is going to be a Fine Gael/Fianna Fail coalition after the next election, Enda needed to start showing the Soldiers of Destiny that his party could be just as dismissive of women as they are.

Say what you like about the Taoiseach, but you can’t deny he’s definitely done that. And more to the point he’s done it very well. Credit where credit’s due.

Eilis O’Hanlon

What Emma Did

You know Emma Watson right?  That lovely young woman who played the part of that nice young girl Hermione in those delightful Harry Potter films? That’s the one.  Could you imagine any reason at all to threaten Emma Watson?  Us either.  Still though, Emma’s blamelessness, niceness and apparent decency haven’t proved enough to stop her becoming the target of those pesky online celeb-baiters. 

So what on earth has lovely Emma Watson done to incite EmmaYouAreNext — a website with a countdown threatening to release nude pictures of the young actress?  Did she kidnap Twink’s dog?  No, according to subsequently deleted messages on 4Chan (the website that brought us all those hacked naked celebrities a few weeks ago), “she makes stupid feminist speeches at the UN and now her nudes will be online”.  How scandalous, Emma is such a nice girl — she’s not one of those flesh-baring celebs who actually deserves having their privacy violated.  Oh deary me, no. 

However, it turns out that EmmaYouAreNext was a deliberate hoax and Emma’s modesty will remain intact.  Horray!  Better yet Emma’s campaign #HimForHer to promote gender equality has spawned a deluge of male celebs tweeting #HimForHer.  Huzzah!  Let’s all breathe a huge sigh of relief — Emma’s OK, all women are OK. 

Let’s ignore the fact that while many media outlets reported Emma’s speech at the UN, far more chose to comment on what she was wearing and how subtle her make-up was.  Huzzah indeed.  

Anne Marie Scanlon


Sunday Independent

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