Fifty shades of bleedin' Grey north Dublin style
Vogue Williams and Niamh Horan had a hot Valentine's date to review that movie
There's Fifty Shades of Grey. And then there's Fifty Shades of Grey - Northside style.
It's Friday night and I'm in a theatre full of horny women pumped up on a mix of sexual energy and buttered popcorn. The lights go down. Someone roars: "Put on your goggles lads. You're in the splash zone."
Tonight, it seems, the best entertainment is off-piste.
In fact, I'm beginning to think Dornan and I are the only non-virgins in the theatre judging by the howls that greet every shot of flesh. OK, ok, they're mainly 40-foot high close-ups of his butt.
The silent few are the handful of male dates roped into this by their women. They all look horrified at the prospect of what they'll have to live up to at the end of the night.
Back on screen, leading starlet Anastasia has lost her flower in all of five minutes when she's bent over, tied up and doing the thing that most women never, ever do.
"That was really nice," she sighs doe-eyed, resting her head on the pillow afterwards.
"Classy burd!" a woman roars.
"He didn't even buy her a curry," chimes another.
Mr Grey then leaves her to recover from his cuffs and chains before returning to check on her in the bedroom. "Here he comes with the sudocrem," a voice cackles.
A none-too impressed Anastasia has had enough: "I want you to leave," she orders, mustering up a bit of bite.
"It's his bleedin' gaff," an inner-city critic shoots back.
Anastasia tries to emotionally connect. "I just want to talk," she says, introducing him to what most men would describe as their version of the 'room of pain'.
Alas, as the lights come up, I am still trying to get my head around a gaping plot hole. Anastasia meets Mr Grey when she has to step in and interview him because her flatmate is down with the flu.
Ha! Good luck with that one. He's the world's most eligible bachelor. I can tell you a severe case of leprosy wouldn't see any self-respecting hack passing over that.
Would I recommend it? Well, a cinema full of women said yes, Yes, YES.
I am told afterwards that all they are waiting for now is the themed amusement park ride at Disneyland. Indeed.