Saturday 14 December 2019


On women's lib

"In the 21st Century, we don't need to march against size-zero models, risible pornography, lap dancing clubs and Botox. We don't need to riot or go on hunger strike. There's no need to throw ourselves under a horse, or even a donkey. We just need to look it in the eye squarely, for a minute, and then start laughing at it."

On pornography

"The idea that pornography is intrinsically exploitative and sexist is bizarre; pornography is just 'some f***ing', after all the act of having sex isn't sexist, so there's no way pornography can be, in itself, inherently misogynist ... I JUST WANT A MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR INTERNATIONAL PORN INDUSTRY WHERE I CAN SEE A WOMAN COME. I just want to see a good time."

On breasts

"The English language has yet to get its head convincingly around the problem of the average woman's bristols. Maybe we should give up on the spoken language and just refer to them as '(.)(.)'."

On knickers

"There is scarcely a woman wearing a pair of pants that actually fit her. Instead of having something that sensibly and reassuringly contains both the buttocks, they're wearing little more than gluteal accessories, or arse-trinkets. Women need, as a basic human right, to be given enough underwear for it to cling to their exteriors, like a starfish -- and not slowly become pulled into the deep gravity of her inside, and get internalised, due to motion friction. It's insanity."

More on knickers

"When it comes to sex, you really do have to remember that men are blessedly forgiving creatures. They don't care what kind of knickers you're wearing. By the time you've taken your skirt off, you could be wearing a paper bag with leg holes torn in it, and it wouldn't put them off. THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE HAVING SEX WITH BICYCLES. Men don't remotely care if you're wearing sexy pants or not."

On being fat

"After a lifetime of consideration, I believe I've finally nailed a sensible definition of what a good, advisable 'normal' weight is. What is 'fat' and 'not fat'? It is: 'human shaped'. If you look recognisably, straightforwardly human, then you are fine."

On equality

"Even the most ardent feminist historian can't conceal that woman have basically done f*** all for the past 100,000 years. Come on -- let's admit it. Let's stop exhaustingly pretending there is a parallel history of women being victorious and creative, on an equal with men, that's just been comprehensively covered up by The Man. There isn't. Nearly everything so far has been the creation of men -- and a liberal, right on denial of that makes everything more awkward and difficult in the long run."

On not having children

"I don't think there's a single lesson motherhood has to offer that couldn't be learned elsewhere ... no one has ever claimed for a moment that childless men have missed out on a vital aspect of their existence and were the poorer and crippled by it. Da Vinci. Van Gogh. Plato, Beethoven, Jesus. They all seem to have managed quite well."

On going grey

"Lines and greyness are nature's way of telling you not to f*** with someone -- the equivalent of the yellow and black banding on a wasp, or the marking on the back of a black widow spider. Lines are your weapons against idiots. Lines are your 'KEEP AWAY FROM THE WISE, INTOLERANT WOMAN' sign."

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