The 9 stage of Garth Brooks mania, by a Garth-Brooks-weary non-fan.
Looking from the outside in, here are the nine stages of Garth-Mania, according to someone who might sign along if his song came on the radio but would never search for his songs on Spotify.
"Who has been announced to play? Will it be Garth? Please please please let it be Garth!"
During this stage, you begin to hear people talking about a country singer you haven't heard mentioned by anyone other than your Granny in around five years, if not ten.
"Oh my God it's Garth! Garth Brooks is playing! I love Garth Brooks, despite never playing him in the car/buying a CD/downloading a song/mentioning him, ever."
During this stage, Facebook struggles under the weight of 'long-term', 'die-hard' Garth Brooks fans posting their first ever status update about the singer, a surprising portion of whom weren't alive in 1997.
"I NEED a ticket! I'm going to camp out for four days and nights in the pouring rain to get a ticket to see my idol!"
During this stage, every news organisation in the country struggles to keep up with demand for Garth Brooks stories as Google search terms for 'Garth Brooks' go through the roof.
Also during this phase, any video that has anything to do with Garth Brooks tickets goes viral.
"I would have got tickets if it wasn't for those people who don't even really LIKE Garth!"
In this stage, the sold-out concerts upset those who didn't get tickets, and people begin to turn on one another.
"I sold four tickets... i jacked up the price"
Ticket 'resellers' now capitalise on the mass hysteria by selling tickets for up to four times face value.
Unsurprisingly, this does not go down well with fans/
"You know what would be a good idea...?"
During this phase, Garth Brooks management attempt to capitalise on a clear money-maker by announcing new dates on separate occasions until everyone who has ever even considered the idea of a ticket now has two.
This, of course, does not go down well with those who paid over face-value to ticket resellers. It also does not go down well with hipsters who lament that it's not "exclusive" anymore.
Jokes also begin to be made about the excessive number of concerts.
"SIX nights? They're having a laugh"
During this stage, angry residents of the area express their discontent at having so many sell-out gigs in a row next yo their houses. Promises are made to appease said residents and the concerts ultimately go ahead as planned despite protestations.
"Sick of Garth Brooks! Some real news please!"
People begin to criticise Garth Brooks and each other. Comments attacking Garth Brooks fans are on every Garth Brooks story and 'who cares' is the number one comment on anything Garth-related. The media stories die off and the Google searches wane and even Facebook fans quiet down.
9. Concert Time
Repeat stages 2, 3, 4, 5 and 7 - Excitement, hysteria, angry Facebook posts from those not attending, last-minute ticket touting, exploitation via merchandise pricing and frustration as Croke Park residents have to deal with over 400,000 drunk Garth Brooks fans singing country music in their front gardens.