Tuesday 16 January 2018

Ten things we secretly love about September

A woman enjoying peace after the kids have gone back to school
A woman enjoying peace after the kids have gone back to school
Brian O'Reilly

Brian O'Reilly

SUMMER is over, the evenings are drawing in, how we hate September – or do we?

There are some positive points to the closing in of the darker months and the kids returning to school.


Empty shops

It’s one of the worst things about the summer holidays, all the shops are thronged with annoying children.

You can’t move in Tesco without a child sprinting past you or a group of teenagers congregating close to the booze, arguing over who looks oldest.

And the cinema. One of life’s great pleasures is a midweek trip to a nearly empty cinema.

You want to be that sad loner, eating your large popcorn without a group of prepubescents pointing out what a sad loser you are.

Suddenly you go from confident lone adult cinema attendee  to ‘that weird perv in the corner by himself’, or whatever they shouted at you as you ran out crying during the trailers.


The cold

Yes, we moan and complain about – but deep down we love it really.

There’s no better way to start the week than with a sick day, and putting on that fake flu voice is so much easier when it’s Baltic out.

Summer ruined the sicky.

“Why yes, I did catch this flu on my way home from that beer garden last night after eight pints, what a horrible yet unrelated coincidence”.

Tea is back on the menu. No more over priced fancy coffees. Let Americans have their fancy iced coffee, we just want our tea. Back to Beverly Hills with your frappy-mocha-iced-latte-achino.


Smug teachers

We all know them. We’ve had to put up with them all through July and August, rubbing all their free time in our faces.

Facebook statuses reading ‘Oops, slept till noon again, LOL’.

No more.

It’s back to the zoo for them. Good luck booking your cheap off-peak holiday, teacher.


Pretending to like your friends’ children

You’ve been there. You’ve invited Mary over for a cup of tea on a Wednesday afternoon, secretly hoping it turns into a bottle of wine.

Well, you’ll drink wine in a mug pretending it’s tea – that bottle of Pinot wasn’t cheap and Mary is notoriously stingy when it comes to buying you a bottle back.

You hear the car pull up, and next thing the noise of some creature from Lord of the Rings is outside your front door.

“Oh Mary, you’ve brought your kids. Yay. How nice. I completely anticipated this on inviting you over.” You try and fake a smile.

They touch your stuff. Your expensive TV now has chocolate stuck to the screen. They go into your bedroom near your ‘special drawer’. How does one little person make so much noise? 


An excuse for no social life

“What are you doing this weekend?” has been such a tough question to dodge all summer.

How to you disguise the fact you have no plans for the weather. You’ve no friends. No one has invited you to a barbeque. You’re not indy enough for festivals.

 But hello autumn, my antisocial friend.

“Oh it’s too cold out, I’ll probably just watch X Factor, can’t be bothered heading out with my friends, of which I have many.”


Telly gets good

Hand-in-hand with the closing in of evenings, is the improvement in options on the box.

No more will you settle for a re-run of that property show with your one who makes over the house or something. You don’t really know, you never watch to the end.

You used to have arguments over what to watch. Over the summer months, it’s what not to watch. It’s a process of elimination, leaving you with that posh arts show on BBC4.



Sure it’s now officially less than 20 weeks until Christmas.

And true, the shops do spoil it by pushing it in our faces from this month onwards, but there are some perks.

You have to test all the confectionary you're planning to buy in the months leading up to it, obviously.

Remember that year they took the coffee one out of the Roses tin? You can’t risk another crisis like that, the family is still fractured. The coffee lovers tried to move in on the caramels. The tension spilled over into the afternoon game of monopoly.

And selection boxes. As the cheapskate of the family who throws them at younger relatives annually, you need to test them all before bulk-buying them off a stall on Christmas Eve.

You may be a cheapskate, but you’ll be damned of those €1 selection boxes don’t have a curly whirly.


You can get fat again

For the last five months you’ve had ‘how to get beach body ready’ shoved down your throat.

Now you can get back to what you love, shoving deep fried delicacies down there instead.

Looking toned is 2015’s  problem. Now it’s time to give that hard earned dosh to the local takeaway, not that torture chamber of a gym.

You’ve tried to fit in at the gym, but you just don’t belong there. You're tired pretending you know what your gluts are.

You won't be able to live with yourself if you have to lie to another person about how you're "definitely going to do that half marathon next month".

Now all you want to do is eat foods they tell the really fat people not to eat on those Channel 4 shows. Maybe someday you’ll get there.


The death of wasps

The bloody picnic terrorists.

September marks the beginning of the end for the most terrifying of bugs.

However it is a double edged sword, as they die off they become even more vicious.

If you want to see a grown man jump around a room screaming like a ninny, set a wasp loose.

You’ll have those who believe that ‘just don’t move and it won’t sting you’ myth. But the wasps have wised up to that. They have nothing to lose anymore.

And haven’t they got bigger? Definitely. They were never that big in the 90s.


You can sleep

That bloody summer heat.

You stuck all your limbs out. You slept under a sheet, relegating the duvet to that wardrobe with the winter coats.

Then you can’t sleep anyway, because Irish people have evolved to not sleep once the mercury goes over 12 degrees at night time.

Why? Because we knew something was up with that unnatural temperature. The British must have been coming or something. They've sent that heat to lull us into some false sense of security.

Now as the temperatures drop, you can finally get good night’s shut eye. And crank up the central heating because it’s bloody freezing out.

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