SO as today looks set to be the hottest day of the year so far, suddenly we remember everything we hate about the sun.
Yes, the shocking result of this sunny weather we crave is heat – which, apparently, we hate.
“If I wanted this sort of heat I’d have gone to Spain.”
“I like it hot, but not this hot”.
We’re just so used to complaining about the weather we can’t help ourselves, we have to moan.
We’re a perpetual Debbie Downer when it comes to weather.
What do we moan about if not the weather? The banks? That's so 2009.
The little feckers.
We all realise we have samurai- style ninja skills in us, as we move like that guy from the Matrix to swat all variety of flies.
The little buggers are everywhere. Landing on our food. Landing on our glass. Landing on our sweaty face.
Some of us create a small hole in the ozone layer over our homes as we nuke them with a chemical weapons attack Saddam would be proud of.
“Sure, we’ll go to the beach, no one else will think of that, right?” Wrong.
As you seek out a tiny sliver of sand to call your own, you get stuck beside that family with the loud young kids and soiled nappies, puffing away on cigarettes and swigging cheap beer.
Then you run into that other problem - You hate sand. It gets everywhere.
And, isn’t there jellyfish in the sea, so you can’t go in there or risk losing a foot.
Why did I come to the beach again?
Oh sweet Jesus, you just want to go to bed at 10pm and sleep off those six glasses of wine before getting up for work, but it’s still bright.
What is it with this stupid star we cling to and its need to stop us sleeping?
The alarm clock in your head the next morning recognises it’s bright outside you spring to action a 4.30am thinking you’re late.
That thing that blocked out the sun from from The Simpsons is looking pretty good right now. We won't shoot you Mr Burns.
Not being able to have tea
Want tea. Too warm.
There are that deluded crowd who think that drinking something hot actually cools you down. But most of us don’t live in opposite land.
All we want is our tea. Not iced tea. Not these fancy iced-frappe-latte-mocha-coca coffee things. Just our cup of tea.
You try adding a bit of extra milk, but it’s ruined. It's a wash-out in a tea cup. Damn you heat.
Show-offs with convertibles
Oh they love their one day to shine don’t they?
Those idiots who chose to buy a convertible car in a country which gets more rain than the arctic does snow.
But this is their time to show off, to cruise slowly in high population areas with the wind gently caressing their usually bald, middle aged heads.
Heat seems to bring out a primal, Neanderthal instinct in men.
“Me cook animal on fire in wild”.
When in reality it’s some snazzy modern barbeque in the well manicured back garden of your semi D, sipping a beer and looking up advice on shaving your chest on your iPad.
Those of us stuck in work during the sunny weather delude ourselves with all the outdoor pursuits we’d be partaking in should be we off.
“Oh, right now I’d be rock climbing the cliffs of Moher with my bare hands before partying on my private yacht with models. But instead I’ll just pretend to photocopy this for the fourth time, then slowly walk back to my desk.”
It's all work's fault that you're not out living life like Bear Grylls right now, cause you could do all that stuff.
Those other 11 and a half non-sunny months of the year are grand.
But boy, do you miss having your own garden when you live in an apartment and just want some sun.
You face so many dilemmas now.
Do you just go out and sunbath in the carpark?
What about that dodgy communal green area?
But you don’t want to be the first person that sits there in case you get funny looks.
Fine, you'll eat ice cream locked inside, crying about how you have no friends who could invite you to their garden.
You just want to watch some TV.
That new series of ‘Orange is the new black’ just went up.
But you feel guilty. It’s sunny outside. You should be outside. You should be getting your tan on. But you want to watch TV.
OK, just one episode.
Six episodes later the sun has gone and you're angry with it for not coming more.
The Sun just can't win with us.