Friday 23 August 2019

'I have eliminated all blue light from my vision' - Grimes's 'training regimen' is the perfect parody, isn't it?

Canadian singer-songwriter Grimes (Claire Elise Boucher) attends the world premiere of
Canadian singer-songwriter Grimes (Claire Elise Boucher) attends the world premiere of "Captain Marvel" in Hollywood, California, on March 4, 2019. (Photo by Robyn Beck / AFP) (Photo credit should read ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)
Aoife Kelly

Aoife Kelly

Two to four hours in a deprivation tank, astro-gliding to other dimensions, screaming and sword-fighting sessions, experimental eyeball surgery, and eliminating all blue light from her vision...

Grimes is trolling us, right?

The Canadian artist, real name Claire Boucher, raised a few eyebrows (before knotting them in confusion) when she posted her 'training regimen' to Instagram this week.

Grimes shared the aforementioned list of rather unusual and intriguing endeavours amid a novella of jargon ('neuroplastic goal' anyone?) and it reads like the ultimate parody of the more extreme side of the wellness movement or a sarky take down of sponsored content on social media.

"My training is a 360 approach. I first maintain a healthy cellular routine where I maximize the function of my mitochondria with supplements such as NAD+, Acetyl L-Carnitine, Magnesium, etc. This helps promote ATP and it’s incredibly visceral," she wrote.

"From that point I spend 2-4 hours in my deprivation tank, this allows me to “astro-glide” to other dimensions - past, present, and future."

We're talking time travel.

In the afternoons she says she does a one to two hour sword-fighting session with her trainer and then to "wind down from this" she spends "30-45 minutes on an inclined hike at roughly 4-4.5 miles per hour, arguably the most efficient workout" before spending a further 45 minutes stretching.

View this post on Instagram

ADIDAS: Tell us about ur training regimen ? GRIMES: My training is a 360 approach. I first maintain a healthy cellular routine where I maximize the function of my mitochondria with supplements such as NAD+, Acetyl L-Carnitine, Magnesium, etc. This helps promote ATP and it’s incredibly visceral. From that point I spend 2-4 hours in my deprivation tank, this allows me to “astro-glide” to other dimensions - past, present, and future. In the afternoons I do a 1-2 hour sword fighting session with my trainer, James Lew, we go over the fundamentals that work the obliques, core stabilizes, and triceps as well as a few tricks. To wind down from this I spend 30-45 minutes on an inclined hike at roughly 4-4.5 miles per hour, arguably the most efficient workout. I then spend 45 minutes stretching before heading into the studio where my mind and body are functioning at peak level, with a neuroplastic goal between 57.5 and 71.5 AphC’s (which is my preferred range for my blood type). I’ve outfitted my studio with the highest grade of red light. It is pretty much 1000 sqf IR Sauna. Hana then comes over and we do a screaming session for 20-25 minutes while I slow boil the honey tea that maximizes vocal proficiency. I have also eliminated all blue light from my vision through an experimental surgery that removes the top film of my eyeball and replaces it with an orange ultra-flex polymer that my friend and I made in the lab this past winter as a means to cure seasonal depression. I go to bed with a humidifier on. #asmc #adidasparley #createdwithadidas #gentrifymordor

A post shared by MISS ANTHROPOCENE (@grimes) on

Are you still with us?

By the time she heads into the studio, she says, her "mind and body are functioning at peak level, with a neuroplastic goal between 57.5 and 71.5 AphC’s (which is my preferred range for my blood type)."

It all gets a little 'Minority Report' by the time she describes having undergone "experimental surgery that removes the top film of my eyeball and replaces it with an orange ultra-flex polymer that my friend and I made in the lab this past winter as a means to cure seasonal depression."

It's the plastic eye film which has been garnering the most attention on social media.

The post is a curious approach to take given the post is in assocation with Adidas; Grimes has collaborated with Stella McCartney on a new collection made with hi-tech, eco-friendly fabrics.

“Grimes is the perfect embodiment of the adidas by Stella McCartney core values,” wrote McCartney on Instagram.

“She is passionate and outspoken about protecting the planet, and a true trailblazer for pushing creative boundaries and inspiring women to unlock their potential in all aspects of their lives.”

However, the singer is reportedly also still dating Tesla CEO Elon Musk, who this week unveiled the work of his startup Neuralink which aims to use wireless technology to connect the human brain to computers.

Neuralink scientists have developed an implant with more than 3,000 electrodes that would link up to an app, allowing users to control a mobile, or a mouse and keyboard on a computer.

Suddenly Grimes's training regime doesn't sound so, well, outlandish. 

Whatever her meaning or motives, the post has been extremely successful - sure, you can't buy this kind of publicity.

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