'Brexit is like....' - the best analogies from the tired and confused across UK and Ireland
Whether or not you are immersed in the day to day legal intricacies, wrangling, shocks, and surprises of the political tornado that is Brexit, it has been a very long and arduous three years.
And it's not over yet as Theresa May continues to push her deal and Westminister gears up to vote on a range of possible ways forward. Will it be a soft Brexit, will they revoke Article 50, will there be an interminably long extension? Or will Uri Geller use the power of his mind to halt the entire process?
Boris Johnson this week said he might vote for May's "appalling” deal rather than risk “further delay, confusion and parliamentary jiggery”. Delay, confusion, and parliamentary jiggery epitomises the entire, exasperating Brexit process. Even for those of us who still have nary a notion what a backstop is, watching the shambles from the sidelines is utterly exhausting.
That said, most of those who are presumably better informed - politicians, commentators, and politically aware members of the public - are also struggling to get their tired heads around the twists and turns of Brexit and to explain and analyse each stage of the confusing and convoluted process of Britain leaving the EU.
Cue lots and lots and lots of odd, and often hilarious, analogies.
In a speech to the European Parliament, European Commission president Jean-Claude Juncker said: "If I were to compare Great Britain to a sphinx, the sphinx would be an open book by comparison. And let's see how that book speaks over the next week, or so."
Dutch prime minister Mark Rutte reportedly said something along the lines of, "A decision to vote for a no-deal Brexit is like the Titanic voting for the iceberg to get out of the way" in a phone call to Jean-Claude Junker.
Twitter is teeming with Brexit analogies: It's like a music festival where you lose all your mates; or a TV series so long-running you've forgotten half the characters; a messy Saturday in Penneys; a disappointing Mr Frosty; a never-ending art house movie from which you cannot escape, or a fart with accidental follow through.
One Twitter user, presumably Irish or of Irish extraction, given his lingo, put it like this, "Brexit is the equivalent of threatening to move out of the gaf, and your ma just goes right f*** off so, you pack the bags and you’re like b****x what do I do now? where do I go? Apologising is not an option because you’re stubborn. Britain = Hormonal teen. EU = Ma."
Here are some of the most entertaining from the past month of the Brexit soap opera:
As a toddler, my dad did the airplane spoon thing with some liver and I appeared to like it. Soon after, my taste for liver soured, and yet, for the next 10 years, my dad always fed me liver insisting "you used to love liver, eat up"— Welsh Dan (@DanTheFact) March 25, 2019
Brexit is liver
Theresa May is my dad
brexit is starting to feel like the writers for the purge movies got asked to redo the backstory but they're having a really hard time with writer's block right now— sarah jeong (@sarahjeong) March 26, 2019
Brexit is like half the country rang the bell on the bus by accident, and now they feel like they have to get off even though it's the wrong stop.— Murray Lewis (@GameDevIdeas) March 25, 2019
Realising that this whole Brexit thing is like season 6 of a show I stopped watching partway through season 3. I keep hearing stuff but I have no clue what is going on, or even if it's still the original cast.— M G Harris 🧜(⧖) (@RealMGHarris) March 25, 2019
Brexit is like a group of friends having a great evening in a fantastic pub and then deciding to go to another pub, but then everyone has a massive argument about which pub to go to and they end up stumbling from pub to pub secretly wishing that they’d stayed in the first pub.— James Melville (@JamesMelville) March 26, 2019
Brexit is like when that one friend slaps their knees and loudly proclaims "RIGHT, I'm away." but then they just carry on sitting there— Póilín (@poilination) March 20, 2019
Christ, we really are in a bad way when Theresa May's 'deal' is starting to look like a viable option. If brexit were a horse, we'd be slowly leading it to the nearest glue factory by now. #BrexitDebate— Jonathan Pie (@JonathanPieNews) March 26, 2019
Late stage Brexit is like one of those viral videos where a lad is shoveling snow and then hilariously slips and takes a long time to fall— Rubber Bandits (@Rubberbandits) March 21, 2019
#Brexit is like consent. Just because you said yes three years ago doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind 🙄— Iga Gumulinska (@igagumulinska) March 21, 2019
The PM and her team have only themselves to blame for this crisis.— Christopher Hope (@christopherhope) March 19, 2019
Their approach to the Brexit talks is like a disastrous episode of Escape To The Country when the couple asked for a cottage with a sea view and the programme makers came back with a semi-detached house in Stoke.
Watching Donald Trump opine on how to negotiate Brexit is like watching an amoeba deal with particle physics— BitchesAgainstBrexit (@BitchesvBrexit) March 14, 2019
The handling of Brexit is like procrastinating a uni project until the last day only to realise it is way harder than you thought so you beg the lecturer for an extension. And then procrastinate some more loool— Tazer (@Tazer_Official) March 14, 2019
I have to say this season of Brexit is interminably boring, feels like the writers are just repeating plotlines and hoping something sticks. Next season I hope they bring in some new characters and a big twist, like Brexit was secretly the bad place all along, etc— Angus Livingston (@anguslivingston) March 13, 2019
Dutch prime minister Mark Rutte: "A decision to vote for a no-deal Brexit is like the Titanic voting for the iceberg to get out of the way'.— Prof. Azeem Majeed (@Azeem_Majeed) March 13, 2019
I think I have managed to pinpoint what the Commons' approach to Brexit reminds me of and it is exactly like having a group of friends at a festival & you all agree you don't want to go to the main stage but argue for so long about where to go instead that you miss all the gigs— Marie Le Conte (@youngvulgarian) March 13, 2019
People didn't like May's Brexit deal because it wasn't very good, but guys that's because Brexit isn't very good. Remember when you begged your parents for Mr Frosty and when you finally got it it wasn't very good? Well Brexit is basically that. #BrexitVote— Jonathan Hibberd (@Jonnyhibberd) March 12, 2019
i feel like brexit is like general hospital where like it's been on so long and you had to have been a fan from the beginning and it's too late to start now— marisa kabas (@MarisaKabas) March 12, 2019
Watching Brexit play out on Twitter is like being in a WhatsApp group with your mates at 1.37am on a Saturday morning waiting for a cab, while Keith’s gone missing and Joe is eating a kebab out the bin. pic.twitter.com/KwK6NhWzpG— Kevin Beaumont (@GossiTheDog) March 12, 2019
Brexit is like the disastrous wedding in a romantic movie and you are waiting for Richard Gere or Hugh Grant to burst in and call the whole thing off but they never do and then you realise it isn't a romantic movie but a really long tragic arthouse movie and you can't escape.— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) March 11, 2019
Brexit is a lot like belief in a flat Earth:— Edwin Hayward🦄🏹🗡️ (@uk_domain_names) March 7, 2019
- not supported by any credible evidence
- spread via ever more elaborate hoaxes, pseudoscientific babble and general nonsense on social media
- has attracted a few high profile supporters
- a matter of fervent belief, immune to facts
If you're saying that Brexit is failing because the wrong negotiators are in charge, you *really* don't understand Brexit. That's like saying that a chocolate cake made of manure tastes bad because of the chef!— Edwin Hayward🦄🏹🗡️ (@uk_domain_names) March 4, 2019