Saturday 24 August 2019

How to survive the office Christmas Party? Steal drink tokens

The office Christmas party. (Stock picture)
The office Christmas party. (Stock picture)
Kirsty Blake Knox

Kirsty Blake Knox

And so it begins. The season of the Office Christmas Party.

The OCP has always been, and will always be, a professional minefield.

We go because we know it is where we will glean the best office gossip of the year, but the risk is that we ourselves could be the source of it. Getting in and out with as little collateral damage as possible is key.

So follow these steps to avoid Christmas calamities.

* Arrive late — nothing interesting ever happens in the first hour of the Christmas party. You may miss out on a few cocktail sausages but I’m afraid that’s a sacrifice you are going to have to make. If you arrive early, you’ll get drunk early, leave early, and miss the fun.

* Avoid any jokes that have to be qualified with the following statements: “I was only having a laugh”/ “When did everyone get so sensitive?”/ “It’s PC gone mad!”

* Tell everyone you have another party to go to. This can be either real or imaginary, and will give you a handy out if there’s a closed bar.

* Never suggest a Secret Santa. No one likes a Secret Santa. It takes ages handing out the presents, it’s not fun and you’ll spend all night trying to discreetly lose a novelty mug Moira in HR gave you.

* Never give interns intense and unsolicited career advice. I know it’s an easy conversation filler but recalling the highs and lows of your career while Slade plays in the background is a downer for all involved.

* Don’t insist on taking 756 pictures with everyone. No one wants these coming up in their Facebook feed.

* Don’t have sex with anyone. Or, at least, don’t start wearing the face off anyone in front of your co-workers.  

* Most importantly — find the person with all the drink tokens, steal said drink tokens, become the most popular person at the party. Watch the world burn.

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