13 things to expect across Ireland during this week’s heatwave
This is it lads - summer is officially here! It's going to be HOTTER than Majorca! Temperatures will soar to 25 degrees!
It's fair to say the promise of a 'high' temperature of early to mid-twenties provokes a strange kind of hysteria in Ireland and some equally odd but predictable behaviour.
Here's what we can expect to see across the country over the next few days...
You've suddenly been struck down by the late onset of the winter vomiting bug/flu/man flu/gastroenteritis/any illness that requires several days of recuperation (and provides just enough time to enjoy the fleeting summer).
The problem is, so has everyone else. Your office echoes with the frantic tip tap typing of the lone colleague who bothered to show up to work and is frantically trying to keep the show on the road.
Beer garden frenzy
Where's the nearest beer garden? And how early do you need to get there? The panic sets in early, resulting in hoardes of people drinking at 10am and guffawing and gloating at the late-comers who arrive at lunchtime expecting a seat in the solitary sliver of sun that hits the south corner for three hours before disappearing across the wall.
Count the number of people you see traversing garage forecourts with 99s in their hands. You'll be there all day. Forget your Magnums and your Oreo sandwiches, nostalgia for childhood summers make this the ice-cream of choice.
When you've been starved of a ray of sunlight all year it's tempting to strip naked and lie out on Bettystown beach and daydream you're in Cape Town.
Which brings us to...
"Are you wearing sunscreen?"
"No, I don't burn."
Famous. Last. Words.
Anyone heading to Slane this weekend should be particularly careful. The perfect storm of an entire day with limited shade in a field with the sun beating down and alcohol fuzzying the mind and dehydrating the body does not happy skin make.
We've all witnessed the guy who arrived in to work on Monday morning after a sunny day at Slane/Electric Picnic/Body & Soul shedding his skin like a reptile, haven't we? Don't be Reptile Man (or Woman).
Ditto for those heading for a day at the beach - add wind to the equation and you'll be particularly crispy.
Frantic fake tanning
Having to suddenly bare your mottled, scaly winter skin in summer threads is traumatic enough. If said skin is also pale and pasty it's even worse. Cue the women, and some men, of the nation lashing on layer upon layer of fake tans of questionable hues.
You don't notice how many people drive convertibles until they have their moment in the sun. Then they're everywhere, driving aimlessly around just for the craic and looking all smug (if a little windswept).
Pints of cider - with ice
You don't drink cider. But you do today. A pint bottle please, with ice.
Socks with sandals
Apparently the catwalks say it's okay this season. But. Just. No.
There's something about the sun that brings the Hulk out in a man. There he is ripping off his shirt and flexing his hard earned pecs. Or whatever else was lurking beneath.
If you're thinking about heading down to SuperValu or Dunnes or your local Spar to pick up a selection of meats to lob on the barbeque you're already too late. Expect to find empty aisles as the entire country stocks up for a feast as though it's the apocalypse. The condiments section will also be culled. Sales of those A4 size disposable barbeques (which cook precisely one steak and two sausages at a time) will go through the roof too.
Wetsuit wearing children and teenagers will leap from bridges into rivers and canals and scare the bejaysus out of anyone witnessing their highly dangerous antics.
Insufferable social media posts
You know who you are.