Friday 24 November 2017

Garreth Murphy outlines the reasons why he hates Christmas

Shopping for anything beyond food stuffs (beer being the main one) is a hideous experience for many men according to Gareth Murphy - photo posed, Getty Images/Creatas RF
Shopping for anything beyond food stuffs (beer being the main one) is a hideous experience for many men according to Gareth Murphy - photo posed, Getty Images/Creatas RF
Garreth Murphy

Garreth Murphy

I hate Christmas for many reasons.

The forced joviality. People getting messy drunk in pubs. Gaining substantial amounts of weight.

But shopping for loved ones is probably the main one.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I just don’t like shopping for them. And I certainly don’t like shopping for them at this appallingly busy time of year.

Shopping for anything beyond food stuffs (beer being the main one) is a hideous experience for many men on the northside of 30.

Like a military endeavour, ‘proper grown-up shopping’ should be treated with a degree of trepidation.

Also like a military experience, it should be fast, aggressive and conducted under the cover of darkness, to minimize the chances of injury and death.

But is there anything worse than Christmas shopping? Is there anything more hateful in the lexicon of consumer experiences than trudging around the shops in search of gifts for loved ones who are impossible to buy for?

My wife is not a fan of shopping, so vouchers are out. She doesn’t lust after designer goods so that’s out too. But I still have to use my imagination when it comes to a gift.

Buying for her is nothing short of a nightmare. And one that has crept up on me yet again.

So standing in a crowded shop trying desperately to come up with ideas for presents which you know that nobody has any interest in hell itself.

When it comes to shopping for our extended families, my wife knows me well enough not to trust me to do any of the substantial Christmas shopping. She doesn’t have the confidence in me to do anything unless there’s a clear set of instructions in my hand and a precautionary phone-call to the shop to warn them of my hapless, impeding arrival.

Some see gift buying as a complex problem which requires a solution, an imaginative solution. That solution should say much about the person doing the present buying. Like how thoughtful and in tune with your needs they are.

I don’t see that way. I see it as a functional issue. And at this time of year, as you attempt to deal with the legions of people in a crowded shop, it’s a horrible one.

This week, scientist finally proved that men and women’s brains are wired differently. The study from the University of Pennsylvania confirmed that men and women’s brains are wired in completely different ways, as if they were species from different planets. Men generally have more connections within each hemisphere of the brain, while in women the two halves of the brain are much more interlinked.

So don’t blame us if we got you a coat when you told us to get a coat. You told what you wanted and we got it.

So don’t blame me being rubbish at shopping. Blame science. 

Online Editors

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