Sunday 21 January 2018

12 signs that you're addicted to social media

Harry Wallop

HAVEN’T posted a selfie in a few hours and suffering as a result? Here are 12 signs you’re addicted to social media.

1. You feel the urge to Instagram your food before you eat it.

You can’t get beyond the main course in a restaurant before you get out your phone and instagram the duck confit. In fact, you are itching to snap away by the time the first course arrives. Ideally, you would chronicle the bread basket within three minutes of arriving. Because, frankly, a romantic meal for two isn’t a romantic meal for two unless you have shared it with all your followers. Course by course.


2. You check your phone the minute you wake up.

The very first thing you do when you wake up is reach for your phone (always by the side of your bed, in fact -- usually under your pillow) and check how many times your witty comment from the night before has been retweeted or liked. You do this before you have left the bed, let alone rolled over and kissed your loved one.


3. You try to get away with 'multi-tasking'.

Your children catch you trying to post Facebook updates while reading their bedtime stories. You know it’s seriously bad when you agree that you will pay them 20p every time they bust you. It has got out of control when they can buy an XBox with the proceeds.



4. You greet friends at a party by their Twitter handle.

“Hey, @bobcat100, how are you?” It’s really bad when, after the second Aperol Spritz, you forget their real name. Do they even have a real name? Who knows?


5. You take your phone into the bathroom.

You can not visit the lavatory without using the 23 available seconds to investigate how many people have liked your photo. Snapchatting a selfie while sitting on the loo is a proof you have stopped understanding basic decent behaviour. Rather sadly, social media has killed off the immensely valuable and intrinsically British “loo book” market. We now swipe, tap, scroll, wipe.



6. 'Did you not see my pics?'

Brian from accounts, on a Monday morning, asks how was your weekend. And your first reaction is “What? did you not see all the amazeball photos I posted on Instagram? How can you not know that I had a *totes* great time?” You say: “Er, it was nice. Thanks.” And then think, I must unfollow Brian, the ungrateful idiot.


7. You 'like' your own posts.

You “like” your own updates on Facebook. You “favourite” your own Tweets. You “like” your own instagram pics. You “pin” selfies on Pinterest. Stop it. Now.

8. You "check in" everywhere

You “check in” at tube stations on the way to work. You “check in” when you go out to get your lunchtime Pret salad, you “check in” at the pub after work. You want to “check in” when you get home, but you suddenly realise that though you have remembered your phone (of course), you have forgotten your keys.


9. You use Wikipedia to sound smart

The first thing you do on hearing that someone famous has died is to Wiki their career and urgently, in a panicky rush, find the obscurest fact you can find about them so that you can post an update. “So sad about David Frost. Of course, his greatest achievement was being offered a contract at Nottingham Forest FC. #RIP”


10. You use text-speak in real life

Someone tells you a joke, and instead of laughing out loud, you use the phrase “lol”. As in, you actually open your mouth and instead of uttering the purest, most instinctive proof of humanity, you say “lol.” And then you laugh at your own cleverness.


11. You spend more time tweeting about a TV show than actually watching it.

Watching the Great British Bake Off/Downton/X-Factor your anxiety levels rise to almost unbearable levels as you desperately try to be the first person on your timeline to tweet “Soggy Bottom/Mrs Patmore’s Eyes/Has Simon had too much work done?”

12. You use the phrase “hashtag” in normal conversations.

#fail. Or rather “Hashtag fail”.

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