Friday 15 December 2017

O'Leary needs a new sidekick -- no loonies or lefties need apply


Siobhan Creaton

FORGET Bill Cullen. The ultimate apprentice job has just opened up at Ryanair. Europe's aviation king wants to hire a new assistant.

Michael O'Leary, who arrived at Ryanair as an apprentice to its founder, Tony Ryan, broadly knows who he is looking for.

The ideal candidate must be "bright", "ambitious" and "self-motivated", according to the job spec. Most importantly, he or she must be a bean counter like Mr O'Leary himself.

The new apprentice should have a natural instinct to rob stationary from hotels or other businesses stupid enough to lay on frills for customers. An aptitude for dreaming up new schemes to "gouge" passengers is also highly desirable.

The candidate should be blessed with a ferocious appetite for slashing costs and know there is almost nothing that is too ridiculous to inflict on Ryanair's passengers.

The person who will fill Jason McGuinness's shoes (the current apprentice) will be working in a "demanding, challenging and interesting" role, according to the airline. This perhaps is code for saying it will be essential to have a hide like a rhinoceros and know how to tell everyone -- except the boss -- where to get off. Being at Mick's beck and call 24/7 is a given.

It's a "high-intensity" position, one former apprentice says diplomatically.

With no time to waste, aspiring apprentices must check in with Ryanair by November 11.

When putting their application together, they should be mindful of Mick's hatred of "bolloxology" and know he can spot a "communist", a "loony" or a "union head" at 10 paces.

Don't even think about trying to curry favour by emailing him to shoot the breeze before Friday. He doesn't do email.

If you are invited to the boardroom, it will be important to blend in. You should note the exits on the way into the boardroom and expect a swift eviction if he doesn't like the cut of your gib.

Typically, Mr O'Leary's side-kicks last about three years.

His last apprentice is moving up Ryanair's corporate ladder and the airline says his successor should also aspire to move closer to the cockpit after a few years.

In the meantime, you should be braced for the journey of a lifetime.

The sky really is the limit!

Irish Independent

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