Tuesday 23 January 2018

Billy Keane's Barstool Budget: What about a sex tax? People will never give that up

"I would like to see sex taxed and a meter system installed, like the water."
Billy Keane

Billy Keane

I GOT a bit mixed up over the Budget. It usually starts at three, but this year the tax news was moved to one o'clock, which is a bit unfair on those who stay in bed for half the day and get paid to do it by the State.

So this piece is written in a hurry. It's like when you mistake old time for new time. I've lost two hours.

However, good old Dáil Éireann has more leaks than a colander, so maybe I do know a bit, but not much. We all know it's going to be the same old story. What's given is taken away in some other way.

I'm watching the television as I write. It's a whinge-fest. Most of the opposition have faces on them like they were being interviewed for a job in a haunted house at Halloween.

I'm just guessing now, but I'm fairly sure a family of 4.3, with 1.2 dogs and a 1.8 car, who eat a boiled egg every morning, mashed up in a cup, will be better off by €372 a year.

All this means nothing at all because the smart lads who run organisations like insurance companies will find some excuse to push up your premium by, you guessed it, €372 a year.

The insurance companies are creaming it. Before very long, the only youngsters driving cars will be joyriders. I would tax the insurance companies for being too greedy.

The tax credit for first-time buyers means the builders will just up the price of new houses, which might, maybe, encourage the builders to build more new houses.

The builders claim the margins are too tight right now, but the other day I saw a builder's arse for the first time in seven years. So there is a pick-up in construction.

As a barman, I'm thrilled the drink wasn't touched. That much I know, because there's a stream running through the bottom of the TV saying the fags were put up again, which is no harm at all.

Which probably means the drink is alright. But people will still smoke. The fags kill people. Fags are €11 for pack of 20. It's a good tax. I was passive smoking for years behind the bar. Sometimes I cough up phlegm balls the size of a volcanic atoll. Bad cess to the smoking.

I've just had a great idea. Listen up. If the fags went up to a grand a pack, people would still smoke. Right? We all know this to be true, don't we?

So what about a sex tax? Sex hasn't been touched. I would like to see sex taxed and a meter system installed, like the water. Sex is like smoking. And it might curb adultery, which is rampant and sinful. People will never give sex up. Handy money for the exchequer. Am I a genius or what?

More good news. The stream announces there are plans for thousands of new teaching jobs. I wouldn't begrudge one penny of my taxes spent on education.

I hope they pay the young teachers enough to live on. Most of the jobs will be in Dublin and the rents are very high, leaving just enough for the young teachers to buy a tin of Kitty Cat for the dinner.

The Kitty Cat might be very tasty and very safe for all I know. If it's good enough for cats, well then it has to be good enough for young teachers seems to be the line taken by the Minister for Education.

I'm checking again to see if the pint is going up. It drives lads mad in the pub. You could tax 'em 98pc in the euro, but the putting up of the pint by even five cent drives the lads out of their minds.

Men will go off the sauce for November in a huff over the rise in the price of the pint and pretend it's for the Holy Souls. It seems some clever cleric thought that one up. If you go off the drink you will save a soul. But what about saving barmen?

I know I've been giving out quite a bit, but to be fair, Michael Noonan has saved Ireland. Think back to five years ago. We are better off for sure but there is more to be done, much more to be done. Still, though, the future is brighter now.

We all think about ourselves and our own pockets. Pocket money is still the making and breaking of governments. At least this one is safe for another election at least. Micheál Martin has a bit of the patriot in him.

I'm sure the reason the pint hasn't gone up is that the two Michaels know pubs are fecked anyway and the savings in the health budget are huge.

It's about a ton a pop to visit a shrink and so billions have been saved by leaving the pint untouched.

There is no doubt but that barmen keep people sane, even if all of us eventually go mad from the strain.

Irish Independent

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