Now here's an offer you really can't refuse
Say what you like about legendary pornographer and professional chancer Larry Flynt, but the Hustler publisher knows a good publicity scam when he sees one. The latest Flynt stunt comes with his offer of a cool million bucks to anyone who can prove that they have had an affair with a married politician.
The man who once ran for the White House under the slogan 'The Pornographer Who Cares' has long had it with Washington's political elite, and is offering the bounty for "documented evidence of illicit sexual or intimate relations with a Congressperson, Senator or other officeholder."
Having been hounded for more than three decades by the Beltway's moral guardian, Flynt has become one of America's most interesting villains, and he has already claimed one political scalp: Robert Livingstone, the Georgia Congressman who was widely tipped to take over from Newt Gingrich as Speaker of the House until Flynt exposed his affair.
But how would such a proposition work in Ireland?
Frankly, most of our politicians are so mutt ugly that the idea of them having sex with anyone, let alone someone who isn't their spouse, is just repulsive, rather than titillating.
While this column can't afford a million-dollar reward for anyone who can prove they had between the sheets shenanigans with a politician, we'll happily offer burger and chips for anyone with Dail-related gossip. And that's an offer you don't get every day.
'Cos the police are, like, bad and stuff
Let's be honest, Gaelic football and the G8 summit are similar in the sense that people only tune in to watch the fighting. And both the GAA lads and the protestors are quick to take offence at any suggestion that they both attract mad people.
But anyone watching Sky News on Saturday during the height of the rioting was given an interesting lesson in how police should react by a spokesman for the extreme left group of crackpots, Globalise Resistance.
Complaining about the heavy-handed tactics of the German riot police - in fairness, German riot police aren't exactly renowned for their touchy-feely sentiments - the spokesman was outraged that the rioters were being chased back into the crowds by the cops.
"Well, what would you suggest?" asked the news anchor. "Are the police meant to just leave the rioters alone rather than try to arrest them?" And the reply from the GR spokesman? "Well, that would be the sensitive thing to do, yes."
So take that, you nasty German riot police - you should be more sensitive towards the people who are chucking bricks at you.
Filthy Scouse scum
Is there anything more tedious than a Scouser? The most obnoxious city in Europe is also the most smug, self-congratulatory and paranoid - actually, it's a bit like Cork with even more annoying accents.
But after the recent debacle in Greece, it seems like their famous fans are finally getting their comeuppance.
After complaining that the Greek police were heavy handed and that UEFA were picking on them, the sport's governing body have issued a dossier detailing the misbehaviour of the Liverpool fans.
As UEFA's spokesman, William Gaillard puts it: "What other set of fans steal tickets from their fellow supporters or out of the hands of children?"
And how have Liverpool's politicians reacted to the fact that UEFA now brands their fans as the worst in Europe?
"UEFA is dragging Liverpool's name through the mud to deflect attention from themselves," says Scouse council leader Warren Bradley. "Big governing bodies like UEFA always look for scapegoats and never accept any blame."
Scapegoats? Refusal to accept blame? Something Scousers know all about.
You gotta love the crazy guy
Everyone's favourite swivel-eyed mentaller Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is at it again. This time, he's expounding on the current situation in Lebanon which, of course, he blames on Israel - even though they have nothing to do with the clashes between the Lebanese army and the Palestinians.
According to him: "The hegemony of the occupier regime (Israel) had collapsed, and the Lebanese nation pushed the button to begin counting the days until the destruction of the Zionist regime. God willing, in the near future we will witness the destruction of the corrupt occupier regime."
Crazy name, crazy guy.
Hurray! It's open season on Nic Cage!
Sometimes, the easy things in life are also the right things - like hating Nicolas Cage.
According to the brilliant Charlie Brooker in yesterday's 'Guardian', "The human equivalent of an uncomfortable snakeskin boot, Cage is physically reminiscent of a three-way cross between a Teddy Ruxpin doll, Elvis Presley and a sexually excited tooth salesman."
Still, that's nothing when compared to the infamous 'South Park' quip about him: "Now children, Genghis Khan was a great Mongol leader. That's not to be confused with a Mongoloid.
"Like the actor Nicolas Cage."
