independent

Wednesday 23 April 2014

Caught with my knickers down trying to find that inner woman

WHAT is it about size? Wimmin are obsessed by it. Men less so, but in the end it all comes down to size. As I learned to my cost last week . . . when a woman asked me to check out women's knickers at Dundrum Shopping Centre. It was all part of of some Valentine's Day promotion. I entered the giant car park with trepidation. The St Bernard dog found me two hours later. I took a

WHAT is it about size? Wimmin are obsessed by it. Men less so, but in the end it all comes down to size. As I learned to my cost last week . . . when a woman asked me to check out women's knickers at Dundrum Shopping Centre. It was all part of of some Valentine's Day promotion. I entered the giant car park with trepidation. The St Bernard dog found me two hours later. I took a quick slug from the bottle around his neck. Of course, it being Yummie Drummyville, it was a cheeky Sancerre.

I was there to do a piece for my radio show about buying lingerie. I was met by two lovely models who'd bring a corpse alive. I appeared cool and nonchalant, spit drooling. I'll be honest: this celibacy thing doesn't sit easy with me (my life coach, Austin, had advised it. "Loike, you need to connect with your inner woman." Was he saying I had too many of the outer wans?)

Anyways, the girls took me on a 'how to buy for your girlfriend' tour. While I was there, a small fight broke out between two Drummies over a pair of Manola shoes. I intervened but got a heel in the arse for my troubles. I asked the girls why shoes were so important.

"Shoes are sexual," they replied.

Isn't their prime function hitting footballs, followed by their use as a device to look downwards at when you're caught out by Herself?

Next, we went to lingerie. What's your girlfriend's size, I was asked. What do you say - that you're a sad muppet wot hasn't got one? Or that you have never considered the issue of size in relation to ladies' knockers? Or that you always say that they are just perfect? When it comes to bra size, I'm as clueless as a politician at a tribunal.

Then I had to hold a load of knickers for a photo with the models, and after that I was in a bad way. In order to cool down I had to go home and read the Labour Party tax policy.

I had just calmed down when the call came through that model Lisa Murphy was going to come on my show to discuss London Fashion Week's decision not to ban zero-size models. Andrea Roche was on, too.

What was a man to do? Not good for the heart.

What is this obsession with size? I asked Lisa and she said she was a zero, whatever that is. I was all set to be cynical about her and Andrea. Instead I met honest people who described the pressure to be wafer-thin. Anyways, after the interview I was the one who had lost weight: a stone lighter on account of de terrible heat in the studio. I went home and read the PDs' Programme for Change to cool down.

Just when I was relaxed, the call came in - you have the Taoiseach for an interview. I put on my tie and suit that didn't get an outing since the Confirmation. I went over to Government Buildings and into the office, with its giant picture of Man Utd and another wan of Westlife hanging on de wall.

Anyways, we did the interview, which has created a bit of a stir in relation to the tribunals.

At the end I got up to go and shook hands. Then in slow motion it appeared - I think it was a size 32 or something . . . it was Elle's Intimates . . . Elle MacPherson lingerie. The beautiful minimalist knickers fell from my suit pocket as we shook hands.

I watched in slow motion as they hit the fine carpet. I reached down and grabbed them, muttered something about "Damm girlfriend" and cursing my earlier photo action in Dundrum.

"Eh, not really your size, are dey?" said our leader with a grin.

Size does count.

Eamon Keane presents the programme 'Lunchtime' on NewsTalk 106-108FM

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